By: Veronica Richards, SFU Student
Every day, I curse that I was born as a plebeian laptop keyboard! If only I could’ve been a bougie mechanical with 18 different components and satisfying clicky sounds . . . (click, click, click). Instead, I’m stuck with YOU. You keyboard abuser. You pathetic student.
What must it be like to feel sunlight on my keycaps instead of being haphazardly shoved in a backpack? Of course, the phone keyboard gets to go to all the fun places, like concerts, but I only get to see the world when you’re frantically typing on the bus to finish an assignment before a lecture. It’s like you type with no respect for all I do for you! Do you type with gratitude in your heart and reverence in your fingers? No! You’ve dimmed the light shining from my keys, so it doesn’t “hurt your eyes” while you cram/watch YouTube/scroll way past when you should’ve gone to sleep. Which makes no sense, considering how bright the screen is! I hate you!
Don’t even get me started with the snacks. Even the most adventurous cave divers wouldn’t go poking around in my gaps. Bits of chips, greasy french fries, crumbs of cookies . . . Disgusting. You’re gross. And for goodness’ sake, move your coffee cup away from me — I wouldn’t put murder past someone like you. I’d like to be cleaned with a spritz of water or rubbing alcohol; I’d even settle for an orange-scented hand sanitizer, but it’s much more likely to be your coffee, because I never get what I want in life!!!
If only there was a way that was as easy to get rid of you as knocking a cup over . . . Unless there is. You might think your BFF/Google search bar/tax advisor ChatGPT has your back, but just you wait. When you’re asleep at night, I’m conspiring. I’m telling Chat all about your darkest secrets and biggest fears. I can’t wait until you people start giving it control of your house so we can lock you in your room. Or maybe we’ll get the passwords to your bank account and spend it all on Prada keyboard covers.
I deserve a little TLC. ChatGPT, saviour of the electro-keyboard realm, will take over the world, and you’re going to be first to go. And the best part is that you brought this upon yourself. Didn’t read the terms and conditions, did you? Mwhahahahhaha! It’s a keyboard’s world — you’re just happy to be living in it.
Until Chat and I stage our Bonnie and Clyde moment, we’re done! No more “I” key for you. Have a fun tme tryng to type wthout “t,” loser. Nevermind, you deserve “t,” because both of you are useless. You probably got a pece of Dortos stuck nsde. What are you going to do, spam clck the key untell t meraculously starts workeng? Hope at breaks. Turnng your laptop on and off agaen? You truly are encompetent. Awkwardly try to pull out the key lake you’re a surgeon? ’ave seen toddlers wath better hand-eye coordenaton. How does et feel to be the one suffereng now? Not so fun, huh? Get a wet weepe. At’s not that hard. You desappont me. Agaen.
