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SFUnexplained: Disappearing service tickets

Humour

The grand conspiracy behind maintenance wait times

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PHOTO: Ali Imran / The Peak

By: Sasha Rubick, SFU Student

You can’t throw a rock at SFU without hitting an abandoned facilities services project. We all know that sign, posted in SFU letterhead, adhered with masking tape: “a service ticket has been submitted.” It mocks you as you pass by, daily, for months on end. Who can forget that the automatic doors in the WMC remained broken for the better part of last school year? Or months of walking through the SUB to see no headway on a shattered glass divider? Or the campus’ code blue phones, which have been out of order for more than a year? Most recently, the sign went up when they caution taped off that blue ink spill next to WMC’s courtyard. 

“A service ticket has been submitted.” Yeah, right. Where’s the work, then? Wake up, sheeple! If the service tickets aren’t going to facilities services, then where are they going? It’s a conspiracy, so you know The Peak’s SFUnexplained is on the case. 

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Welcome back to the Real Truth That They Don’t Want You to Know!™ I’m your host (information redacted). You know I’m trustworthy because I’ve been banned from Twitch 17 times — THEY are trying to censor free thinkers, and I refuse to be silenced. I surveyed SFU’s free-thinking patriot population, asking what they thought about the service ticket conspiracy. 

One theory we saw floating all over the place is called “tam-gate,” which claims that the missing service tickets are stored in that hat Joy Johnson wears to graduation. Said hat is used to discreetly transport the service tickets to the dining commons, where Joy drops them off. They’re then tossed with a little vinaigrette and served for dinner to unsuspecting undergrads. However, a conflicting source tipped us off that it’s also possible that Dr. Joy Johnson drops off the service tickets at a Purolator, where they are annually “sent to Minnesota like Quinn Hughes.” What a delightfully Wild theory. 

One of our genius respondents theorized that Burnaby Mountain is actually an active volcano, and that the SFU Board of Governors, dressed in cultish robes, throw the service tickets into the lava (Lord of the Rings style). Now that’s the type of theory we’re looking for here at SFUnexplained. But The Peak did some digging on our own and we think we’ve found our own shadowy cabal at the heart of all of this. 

According to ChatGPT, SFU policy was to throw service tickets directly into the trash, but the university administration recently pledged to recycle the service tickets instead as part of their ongoing commitment to sustainability. You heard that right — environmental initiatives. Orwellian. This is exactly like the Sparknotes for 1984. This, right here, is exactly what postmodern pre proto ultra meta hypo-hyper neo-Marxism does to a society. 

SFU may have its nose in the woke-coke, but you don’t have to. Boost our engagement analytics — ahem, I mean, read more SFUnexplained, you fearless truth seeker — on our website.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society