By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Writer

Are you a perfectionist? Start with this short checklist:

• Do you set big goals for yourself, yet feel no sense of accomplishment if you reach them? 
• Are you highly critical of yourself and/or others?
• Do you struggle to experiment or adapt to changing situations?
• Do you find it hard to accept that you will make mistakes? 

If you answered yes to all or most of the situations above, welcome. This is a safe space. As a fellow perfectionist, I understand you, and I empathize with your state of mind. Constantly comparing yourself to a perfect version of yourself takes its toll. Perfectionists are more at risk for anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.

Perfectionism can often be a result of complex trauma. It can come from a place of compulsion to assert your worth, or a fear of failure or disappointing others. If you were unfairly criticized or undervalued during your upbringing, you didn’t deserve it. It’s not your fault for coping the way you do.

All-or-nothing thinking will lead you to believe there is a perfect state of existence to which you are not yet measuring up. Don’t you wish, though, that you could sleep a little better at night? Or not be bombarded with self-criticism every time you make a slight error in judgment, or even make mistakes due to situations out of your control? Let me take you through some arguments you may have, where I challenge the perfectionist’s point of view with a more holistic way of thinking: one rooted in acceptance, realism, and self-love.

Aiming for perfection makes me a great [student/worker/family member/friend]. Why should I change if that’s what pushes me? 

It’s a common argument: if I’m functioning at an excellent level and everyone is benefitting, why should I change? But here’s the problem. Tying your self-worth to your productivity is a shortcut to some damn disappointing times and some serious mental struggles. You’ve likely experienced some brutal moments that felt like crushing failure, and thought, “I just need to work harder.” When has it ever been enough? It’s a thirst that can’t be satisfied. The only real solution is to accept yourself.

Aiming for perfection might provide you enough validation to get by: grades, connections, work, hobbies. But sooner or later, your mind and body will tire of this attitude. Mental health is a serious aspect of life that deserves your attention. Your body needs rest and relaxation. You deserve to be well. You deserve to love yourself.

I’m doing fine, I don’t need self-care. 

Tell that to your upcoming (or current) burnout. I am a firm believer that:

How your life feels is much more important than how it looks.

Sure, you’re holding it together, and you might be very good at managing a hectic schedule. Still, do you like your life? Do you feel good? If not, ask yourself: who are you working so hard for? What are you trying to prove?

I want to be successful. How am I supposed to do that without having high expectations for myself? 

Let’s distinguish some things. Being a perfectionist is not the only way to be motivated. In fact, perfectionist traits tend to impede success, as they often result in higher stress levels and overthinking. Indulging your inner critic isn’t the best way forward, despite what your intuition may tell you. Have you ever stopped something before you started because you didn’t believe you could do it? The way that I see it, fear and hostility are not long-term strategies for success. And let’s face it — you’re going to be on Earth for a while. There’s nothing wrong with taking your own time, and figuring out how you best function.

But I’m behind! I need to work hard to catch up. 

You are not behind, darling. Life is happening every second of every day. Breathe it in. Living out of fear is no way to live at all. We are all on our own journey — don’t get caught up in the comparison game. And besides, there are many people who experienced success later in life. Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of Little House on the Prairie, started writing the series in her 40s and only became a published author at 65. The famous Vivienne Westwood only began pursuing design in her 30s — before that, she was a schoolteacher. It’s cheesy, but it illustrates the point: it’s never too late to find your own version of success. 

OK, I want to implement strategies to address this. Where do I start? 

That is amazing! You’re halfway there already. Letting go of your image as a perfect person can be arduous. The good thing is, you are not alone. You can start in many different places, such as practicing mindfulness to interrupt negative thought cycles, clearing your schedule to get some well-deserved rest, and actively practicing self-love. Even if you need to make money or keep up your grades for a scholarship, there might be some work you can delegate or remove from your life.

Professional guidance, like a therapist, is crucial, especially when perfectionism is pathological. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is the most common type of clinically-informed intervention, which involves identifying and understanding unhealthy behaviours and patterns, and working to change them. Individual workbooks written by psychotherapists, like the CBT Workbook for Perfectionism by Sharon Martin, provide accessible options for reflecting and adopting healthier coping strategies. 

Part of CBT is taking time to separate your inner critic from your identity. Your thoughts, although personal, are not objectively true. Treating thoughts as separate from yourself, instead of advice you must listen to, is a good first step to cultivating acceptance of yourself. For example, instead of berating yourself for resting, recognize that you are thinking that resting isn’t worthwhile but that’s not necessarily true. This practice is an essential component of mindfulness. 

I would recommend practicing daily journaling: spend time getting to know your likes and dislikes. It makes scheduling easier: if you know your priorities, you know where to put your energy. Beyond that, it’s a great place to express yourself, safely and free from external judgment. 

Nurture yourself. Spend quality time with someone you feel comfortable with. Take yourself on a date. These small acts of self-nurturing and self-discovery might feel silly at first, but they build up and become an excellent body of evidence as to why you should love yourself. Do it enraged, do it grumpy, do it disbelieving. Just as long as you do it.

I hope I challenged some notions you have about your world and provided you with tools to grow and heal. As a recovering perfectionist myself, I do not pretend to know all the answers. All I can confirm is that my life is leaps and bounds more fulfilling now than when I strived for perfection, and I am now at peace with myself. I believe in you, and I wish you the very best.