By: Thievius Raccoonus
The search for McFogg has finally ended. After years of wondering what happened to our beloved Scottish mascot, the dog has finally turned up back at SFU . . . but not in the way anyone wanted him to. McFogg was found floating in the reflection pond holding an onion, with syllabi for economics courses floating around him. Five suspects have been apprehended for their possible involvement in McFogg’s demise — who do you think killed our beloved pookie?
Avocado Anthony
While he doesn’t have quite the history with murder, Avo-Tony (a nickname bestowed on him by the locals) has a history of doinking in the avocado near the pond. No one has actually seen Avo-Tony — he is a bit of a myth — but they feel his presence when they come close to the stony object.
He may have been the closest to the crime scene, but Avo-Tony, despite his oddities, has never been known to be a killer. He keeps to himself, wears a green hat shaped like a cracked avocado, and enjoys making love to anything that reciprocates his affection. It is rumoured that Avo-Tony may have been dating McFogg before his untimely demise, however the relationship was one of tender love and transformation for both.
The Images Theatre Troll
The Troll has a history of being violent. Sure, it hasn’t killed anyone before, but it could definitely be capable of it. This creature will lash out at you if you decide to put any remotely fun movie on your Letterboxd top-four. The Troll once knocked out a first-year student after stalking his Letterboxd and noticing all his favourite films were comedies directed by Judd Apatow. If you don’t have some obscure four-hour European film from the ‘60s on yours, you’d best hide.
McFogg was a cinema nerd himself. His top-four on Letterboxd included Seven Samurai, Solaris, 8½, and Bicycle Thieves. Do you think this list would satisfy the troll?
The Quadrangle Reaper
The Reaper appears during times of unfathomable crashout. When the mundane, soulless qualities of the 5000 level of the AQ finally take a toll, the reaper comes for one’s soul. The goal of the reaper is not to kill, but to sedate the victims of monotony.
McFogg, surprisingly, was a joyful soul, so it is unlikely The Reaper would visit him. However, it has been reported that even his joy could not handle the soulless look of the 5000 level.
Monsieur Mackenzie Oui Oui
Out of all the suspects on the list, the one who has committed the most heinous of crimes is definitely Monsieur Mackenzie . . . The crime of being FRENCH!
Mackenzie may not have a history of murder, but his track record is sinister. To be so French is a cause of concern. If you speak to him in English he will act as if he doesn’t understand you, despite being fluent in the language. He also doesn’t consider Quebec to be authentically French. He claims Quebec is a parody of France, which didn’t sit too well with McFogg . . .
After a heated debate once, Mackenzie exclaimed to McFogg, “Mêle-toi de tes oignons!,” which translates to “mind your onions.” McFogg was confused by if this was a common French saying or a sinister threat.
Dr. Milton NotSoFreedman
McFogg was an advocate for lowering tuition for students. Professor of economics, Dr. Milton NotSoFreedman, was not. Deriving his name from an infamous economist who favours the free market, the economics professor believes that increasing tuition actually increases productivity, as it inspires the student to work harder.
McFogg was actually the one making the threats in this scenario, often stating, “I hope Luigi gets your ass.”
