By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer
Since taking office in January, US President Donald Trump has passed a slew of executive orders. While some have generated significant buzz, skepticism, and pushback, others have managed to evade the hook of the public’s eye. One such order that Trump quietly signed revolves around none other than the classic, widely enjoyed pastime of Go Fish.
Officially, the presidential proclamation banned the ages-two-plus game from being played on American soil. Details regarding the ruling found on the White House website state the decision was made to destroy the “harmful leftist ideologies pushed by the game.” The site goes on to explain, “Go Fish teaches children lessons historically reminiscent of communism by encouraging labour without guaranteed monetary incentive.”
While sources confirm that Trump is quite the Risk player, it appears that his skills may not transfer to the pond. Recently, The Pawn corresponded with a source close to Trump under the pseudonym KC Lance, who revealed the real reason he banned the game may have to do with the president’s lackluster performances. “The truth is, he lost to Elon’s son too many times,” Lance said. X Æ A-12 Musk, who has recently been thrust into the spotlight due to his time spent at the White House, is rumoured to be ranked number one at the game for billionaire’s sons whose names contain numbers.
“He asks for twos, then eights . . . and then he’ll be right back to twos,” Lance told The Pawn. “And then when you least expect it, he goes for the aces. Like, who does that? It’s incredible, really.”
“Go Fish teaches children lessons historically reminiscent of communism by encouraging labour without guaranteed monetary incentive.” — US White House
While the news has hit hard at family game night tables and senior care facilities, some across the border seem to have a different outlook on the situation. One Canadian, SFU’s president Joy Johnson, offered her take. “As you may know, SFU is firmly committed to remaining neutral in the face of politics and events,” she told The Pawn. “That said, we could not be more excited to welcome our southern neighbours to our very own koi fish pond café. Come enjoy the game you love while getting to watch the real thing right in front of you. The cost is only $53,016, subject to tuition increase.”
Within the Trump administration, neither the president nor Musk could be reached for comment. Lance did inform The Pawn that vice president JD Vance was unable to offer remarks due to his schedule. “He’s actually a really legitimate and busy guy,” he said. “He’s definitely been doing a lot of important vice presidential tasks. I’m sure he would comment, but I swear, he’s just got a lot on his couch. I mean plate.” Lance added that the second in command “certainly hasn’t been banished to a shed behind the White House while Elon gets to have his office, or anything like that.”
The Pawn was able to secure a statement from Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr., who offered his support for Trump’s executive order. “You know, we have some evidence coming out that consuming fish may cause eczema,” he said. “So it just makes sense that we’d ban the game.”
Currently, it is uncertain how exactly the Trump administration plans to enact the ban, or whether the order will stand up against the courts. In the meantime, Americans can always play War.
