By: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective
It was a typical afternoon scrolling through my favourite micro-influencer’s Instagram — my barber’s grandma’s neighbour’s dog Leroy, when I noticed something truly peculiar. The caption on a post from 12 weeks ago featuring a photo of Leroy in some sick shades read, “It’s a great day for some fetch. Don’t think the weather could be any better. I truly love spending my time outside. Dachshunds are out enjoying the sunshine, too. I’ve been waiting months for this. Today was a pawfect one.”
I read it once. Then twice. Wait a minute — the first letter of every sentence . . . eye dee eye dee eye tee . . . I did it. Did what? What did the dog do??
12 weeks ago . . . What happened 12 weeks ago? After some serious calculations, I came to a chilling realization. It had been 12 weeks ago to the day since my favourite YouTube shorts vlogger, my scuba diving instructor’s wedding planner’s friend with benefits’ cat had mysteriously vanished without a trace.
The disappearance of Swanson really rocked the whole community. I still remember the funeral — there were literally dozens of distraught fans at the wake. After that, a lot of people promised they’d figure out who did it. Swanson was a smart cat. He wouldn’t just get lost on his own. And he was just about to launch a signature line of catnip-flavoured e-cigarettes, too, so it wouldn’t make sense for him to fake his own disappearance either. Despite everyone’s best efforts, the case ran cold. That and people got too distracted by my local grocery store’s milk distributor’s ex-fiancé’s mechanic’s duck, the new celebrity in town.
Anyway, now that I think about it, Leroy and Swanson weren’t always actually on the best terms. Of course, I always thought it was just fake internet beef drummed up to help both of them gain clout. Then again, there was that one time when Swanson won the lead role in a pet-based dental hygiene commercial over Leroy . . . and that other time when he got a smoothie named after him at the cat café. Still, I just never thought Leroy would have the heart to do something like that.
I was almost ready to give up and go back to scrolling. For whatever reason, I decided to check back on Swanson’s account. His last post, a photo of him skateboarding, read, “I love it out here. Let’s go have some fun. Let loose a little. Besides, who cares what others think? Everyone’s too concerned about people’s opinions these days. Bask in the sunshine. Act silly. Choose happiness. Knomes are pretty cool too.” OK, maybe that last one was a typo. Swanson did love gnomes though.
Again, my eyes darted back and forth across the screen. Eye . . . El . . . El . . . Bee . . . Ee . . . I’ll be back? Wait a minute, maybe Swanson wasn’t gone after all! Something caught my eye in the photo again. I had never noticed it, but was that Leroy in the background? I know that Leroy had been learning to skateboard too. I decided to go back and look at his last post again. This time, I saw something new. In the background, the outline of another board. Is it possible . . . when he said I did it he was referring to learning how to skateboard?
After further inspection, I was able to make out some letters on the bottom of the skateboard deck. Leroy Swanson, it read. Leroy Swanson? What? I went back to Swanson’s post again. Sure enough, same board, same lettering.
Swanson wasn’t gone. He was just in hiding, garnering attention so the two could come out with their new joint brand when the time was right, Leroy Swanson skateboards!
Leroy Swanson, what a name.
Case closed. Another lunch break well spent.
