By: DILF Hunter, SFU Student
From 2023 to 2024, I was a frequent user of dating apps out of boredom. I gained nothing from my experiences other than various ridiculous screenshots of jarring or hilarious interactions, and a somewhat deeper understanding of why people say Vancouver is an un-dateable area. Oh, you don’t care about the chronicles of my dating life? Too bad, I didn’t ask, so please indulge in my experiences! Kisses!
First of all, most of these people are profoundly humourless. They see the half-Russian in my profile and immediately turn off their funny. “Guess what, I also wear Adidas and drink vodka,” or “Wanna hear the only words I know in Russian?” or “So, you a communist?” YOU’RE NOT FUNNY! YOU ARE UNORIGINAL! If I wanted to hear the same five jokes, I could go on 9Gag or iFunny circa all of the late 2010s and kill my brain cells on my own. I am a communist, but that’s beside the point!
However, they’re not all hopeless. I once saw this person’s profile. His name was Quennel. First of all, sick ass name. Second of all, I did not reply to his profile because of him but rather a picture that I saw of him and an older fellow, who I thought was his father (silver fox alert). I said, “Can you refer me to your father? Thanks,” in hopes of fulfilling my dreams of being a DILF connoisseur. He later replied, “That’s not my father, that was my professor,” and I responded, “My fault, og. You’re cool too.” I still think about Quennel, and his professor . . . more often about his professor.
I once encountered a person who looked exactly, and I mean EXACTLY, like the villain Kingpin from the Spider-Verse movies. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the drip. The suit and the stature really gave an impression. What got me was the prompt that stated “I want someone who: will watch me box.” Buddy, you’re NOT helping your case here. Just say that you fell into the wrong universe somehow and you’re trying to get back to your alternate reality! I also had the pleasure of meeting a giant, grey, ominous-looking hand! Comprised of what you may ask? Human people. Yep, every finger had a face. I was too scared to respond to the picture to find an answer, but it seemed to be part of the scenery of some sort of play, and to this day I regret not asking what the hell I was looking at.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of meeting new people, but at what cost? I’ve had my share of liking women and, the pain of breaking off a WLW relationship is worse than getting laser hair removal on your armpits; I can attest to both. Most if not all of my experiences have looked like this: I am blessed by the sight of a charming lass, either she or myself respond to one of our prompts, and then radio fucking silence! That’s how I know she’s just like me because I too fall off the face of the earth after one interaction. But damn it, give me a chance!
“When can I see you?” Please don’t make plans with me, I only exist on my phone! I’m not an AI maiden wife, but, like, you’re never meeting me. What do you mean these are actual people? Nonsense! This is literally just a game on my phone, pure entertainment. And they designed it like that too, implementing a literal pay-to-win mechanic with the whole HingeX thing and buying roses to give out. This is literally me just playing Animal Crossing and giving random villagers flowers!
