By: Sarah Sorochuk, Peak Associate and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
I love merch! People think my favourite slogan is “fight, fight, fight,” but it’s actually “monetize, monetize, monetize.” I can sell anything! Candy, robes, guitars . . . I would sell the whole country for profit if I could (wait . . . )! So, could I interest you in some of the most great merch on earth?
You know you want some,
The shipping is free!
Dear The shipping is free,
Canada is in an economic crisis, so it would be foolish to purchase anything at this time. Though Canada is not the only one struggling, my bank account is constantly screaming every time I pull it out for a coffee at Tims. But my lack of double-double money is nothing compared to your financial issues. I would advise you against selling stolen land, and I wouldn’t be caught dead in your merch. Good luck, though!
Hustling,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Help! The last day to add classes has passed, but I want to enroll in Mandarin Chinese I. I’ve never been interested in it before, but the 12-hour TikTok ban really changed me. Even though I guess I’m no longer a TikTok refugee, I still have FOMO about all the jokes I don’t fully understand on Xiaohongshu. How can I convince the university to make an exception just for me? It’s important!
Sincerely,
How do I write my name in Mandarin?
Dear How do I write my name in Mandarin,
I understand your dilemma, and the university should definitely make an exception for this situation. Unfortunately, it looks as if they disagree. Don’t worry, TikTok never left our side of the border and you’re still able to get your daily dosage of dopamine (or as I like to call it “DDD”). As for the Mandarin class you want to attend, might I suggest Duolingo as a start. Yes, the green bird is mean looking and for sure possessed. But it will definitely help catch you up in the meanwhile, aside from that take it up with the student union.
From your bro,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Why is everyone so obsessed with me??? I wrote in my bullet journal that in 2025, salary transparency was out, but apparently no one read that! What they did do is snoop through the public records and tell everyone how much money I make which was so unnecessary. Any advice on how I can keep dodging this question in interviews until this all blows over?
Wealthily,
Definitely not Malcolm Brodie
Dear Definitely not Malcolm Brodie,
I am truly sorry to hear that people are doing deep dives into your personal life. I would suggest going on a trip to avoid all the questions. Take a vacation to a place away from social media and the internet. Consider it your own personal detox from the world, and the world from you. You seem to have enough money to go off the grid for a while, and the best part of being gone is if you’ve disappeared long enough, then the media will surely forget about you too. Or they’ll have a field day estimating how much of your $362,000 you spent on your getaway!
Poorly,
Peakie
