By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Health and fitness trends come and go. If you’re old enough, you start to see them repeating. Look me in the eye right now and tell me that Naughty Girl Fitness is not just a sexier version of Jazzercise (which still exists, BTW!). So, I was scrolling on the socials, and almost every fitness influencer ever was trying to catch my attention by focusing the camera on their shorts tucked in alllllll the way up their crack like their booty hole is a black hole just sucking allllll the fabric in. Obviously, once I am bootymatized, it is easier to sell me supplements and TV dinners rebranded for gym rats. Of course, there’s also the misogynistic gymbros who are definitely not on any “enhancers” who speak to you condescendingly while showing you their meals that look like WWII rations that have been chewed up and spat back out. Finally, we cannot forget about the people standing in the grocery store aisles pulling random packaged food off the shelf and arguing that every single ingredient in them is a poison that the minister of health himself put in there while cackling evilly.
In a sea of reformer Pilates, marathon training, and before and after content, the word “mobility” kept sticking out. Everyone is talking about how training mobility will help you prevent injuries and help with everyday movement and holy moly, I fact–checked it, and they’re right! So, I went on YouTube and looked up mobility exercises (we do fitness on a budget, a $0 budget, to be more precise, in this house). Practicing several times a week has taught me that I don’t know how to move at all. You know that feeling when you meet someone who can wiggle their ears, so then you try to wiggle your ears, but you just look constipated because you don’t even know what part of your brain you’re supposed to use to communicate with your ear muscles? That’s me doing mobility in my room. The YouTube person is demonstrating the exercise and I am fully locked in attempting to follow along, but I am not moving.
My main focus right now is getting my deep squat. If people are taught to poop in this position, how hard can it be? Well, if there were secret cameras in my house, whatever creep would be operating them would be able to make an epic compilation video of me crashing to the ground. In fact, the Toronto Zoo has a compilation video of giant pandas falling that perfectly encapsulates what happens to me when I try to straighten my spine in a deep squat. Long story short, I’m not getting a gym membership anytime soon, no one can see me like this!
