By: Cam Darting, Peak Associate and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
We have officially begun the season where SFU Burnaby gets permanently enveloped in a deep fog. I’ve been told this is just the clouds, but are you sure it’s not SFU spending all our tuition money on hidden fog machines?
Sincerely,
Is it a conspiracy if it’s true?
Dear Is it a conspiracy if it’s true?,
That is an amazing question, one I cannot answer. I am bound by the laws of the SFU Coven to refrain from providing any information regarding this conspiracy. I fear for my safety, and my cat, Tuna, is at stake now that I’ve written back to you. However, dear writer, I shall not leave you without thought. Have you ever thought about why SFU is built upon a mountain? Why is it all grey and made from concrete? Why or how there is a body of water in the middle of the AQ? As you ponder, please “Listen” to what I am saying. Our lives may have a “Countdown.”
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Misinformation is rampant on my campus! The same tricks I used to use to get my parents to sign permission slips are now being used on me to sign shady petitions. People are approaching me while I’m distracted, putting a pen in my hand and moving my hand for me. When I tried to call them out, they promised me free trips. How do I fight back against these villains?
Best,
Certified “meddling kid”
Dear Certified “meddling kid,”
The leaves change colour, and people watch flicks. It’s now October, why don’t you have tricks? Ghost and witches have a mission, as do the people with their petitions. It’s spooky season, use that to your advantage! Host a seance, use a Ouija board, I don’t care! But the possibilities are endless. Whatever you do, don’t feel bad. You think they feel bad when they’re making you sign a petition, and next thing you know, you’re on the news because your name is affiliated with a group that’s trying to eat Moo Deng?!?! HELL NAH! JUSTICE FOR MY GIRL!! Anyways, yeah that’s my suggestion; use paranormal activities to smoke their asses!
Make sure you pray after,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I’m currently sitting in a public space trying to do some school work. HOWEVER, everyone around me won’t stop talking! Don’t they see my laptop? My headphones? My studious face? I’ve tried giving them my most vigorous librarian shhhhhhhh, but everyone just stared back at me and then kept having their little conversations. Please help me.
Academically,
Centre of the universe
Dear Centre of the universe,
The people around you probably don’t know they’re being loud. As you sush them they’re prob like “What’d I do?” This is a tricky case because people don’t know the presence that they’re in. I say, tell them who’s boss. Channel your inner Trina Vega, and let everyone know who they’re messing with. Get up on that table and yell; let them know who’s in charge. Sing, dance, heck maybe even start throwing stuff. You just need to assert your dominance. Once you do that, it’s game over baby. Say goodbye to the talking, and hello to the — hear that? Exactly. Silence.
Ur welcome,
Peakie
