By: Izzy Cheung, Arts & Culture and Sports Editor

Hello friend! Welcome to SFU’s Dining Commons. Where are you coming from? 

1. I just finished back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back lectures. 
2. . . . I don’t actually know.  
3. I actually just came back from The Peak’s office.
4. My favourite study spot on campus. I have three midterms next week, and I can’t waste any more time scrolling through TikTok. Brat summer is over! Yay! 

Okay, let’s grab a starter! What will you be having? 

1. I’m skipping that and going right to the entrées. 
2. A salad? I don’t know. I’m indecisive. 
3. Soup, please. It’s warm and gives the best fall vibes. Some sort of butternut squash or tomato soup would be great. 

The Peak: What if we told you that everything is soup? 

What? That makes no sense. How could everything be soup? 

The Peak: Trust us. Everything is soup. 

d. Maybe a sampler portion of a sushi roll? Yay! 

Entrée time! Which station will you be going to? 

1. The Stacks. That way, I can build my own sandwich and save half of it for my 7:00 p.m. lecture. 
2. I don’t know. Please don’t make me make a decision. 
3. Maybe I’ll have some teppanyaki from The Hot Plate. 

The Peak: Don’t you want some soup instead? Doesn’t it give you the best fall vibes? 

Well, I already had soup as a starter — 

The Peak (in a very not-menacing tone): You should have some soup instead. 

d. I’ll probably have some stir-fry from Yin and Yum. I’ve been scrolling on John Pork’s feed and now the pork is calling to me. Yay! 

Great choice! What would you like to drink? 

1. See, to make things more efficient, I’ve been drinking my tears so that I don’t have to go and fill my water bottle. Time is of the essence! 
2. Uhhhhhhhh
3. I was thinking maybe an apple jui—

The Peak: You should have some soup. 

. . . Okay. 

d. I’ll take a watermelon soda. Wait, we don’t have that here? Why not? Well, that sucks. Now it feels pointless to say yay. 

The moment is finally here . . . it’s time for you to pick a dessert! 

1. I’m skipping dessert; I don’t have the time. I’ve got a lecture in 10 minutes and it’s all the way in Blusson Hall.  
2. Don’t make me decide, please! 
3. I’ll have soft serve ice cream. 

The Peak: You should have some — 

I am. Ice cream is soup. Cereal is soup. Heck, cake is soup. Everything is soup. 

d. Well, I’m not exactly sure. I’m still hung up by the lack of watermelon soda. I understand why Kim was crying during the Kardashian soda drama.

Results: 

If you got mostly A’s . . . 

Don’t study. At all. You, my friend, need a nap. Or a good night’s rest — something longer than an hour. Yes, time is limited for someone as busy as you. But with how you’re living your life, you will burn out soon. Yes, this is a humour article, but please remember to prioritize your health, especially with midterms coming up. 

If you got mostly B’s . . . 

We can tell you’re indecisive, so guess what — it’s up to you! You get to decide when you want to start studying for your midterms. It’s a cruel twist of fate, isn’t it? Enjoy making another decision! 

If you got mostly C’s . . . 

Why would you study for your midterms when you have much bigger issues to worry about? Sure, your degree is important, but none of that matters in the grand scheme of things. As a collective human race, we need to figure out the answer to the question that every being on earth has yet to solve — what is soup? So, no, don’t study for your midterms. 

If you got mostly D’s . . . 

Your hypothetical journey through the dining commons is like the progression of your degree. You start off enthusiastic and eager to make the most of your experience, and then, slowly, you become more and more disappointed with your surroundings. Don’t worry; it happens to all of us.