ATTENTION: Public health officials report alarming levels of white victimhood in local wastewater

By: C Icart, Humour Editor

There’s a segment of the population that is experiencing great hardship and oppression, and it’s our duty as members of a society to acknowledge them. It’s the folks who feel left out because there’s a certain word in Kendrick Lamar’s “Not Like Us” they can’t say. Those who are sad they don’t have a history month. The people who are tired of coming in dead last in the Oppression Olympics.

But I’m sure you are already aware of this extremely marginalized segment of the population. Coincidentally, a lot of them are also infected with can’t-shut-up-about-my-imaginary-oppression-itis (wow, these scientific disease names are getting out of control). Sadly, there is no cure.

Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

Speaking over people from other groups because you’re convinced you know better than them.
Vehemently opposing affirmative action because you believe that means universities and companies use a random ethnic name generator to accept or hire arbitrary people of colour off the street.
Breaking out into hives whenever someone says the word “privilege” within a 10 km radius of you.

It’s truly terrible to watch these people suffer. Imagine constantly processing criticism of systemic racism as a personal attack? It must be so so so stressful! Sometimes to soothe the pain, they quote Martin Luther King Jr. out of context to reinforce their erroneous belief that he would’ve been on their side.

How can you help these people? Well, remember that you don’t have to. In fact, if you’ve already listened to them once, you may be entitled to financial compensation. But if you can find it in the goodness of your heart to help these poor poor people here’s what you can do:

Sit them down (this might be difficult, they’re still emotionally recovering from that time Rosa Parks sat down and it ruined their lives) and explain to them that rights are not a finite resource. More for others does not mean less for them! Don’t be alarmed if they throw a tantrum during this process, that happens sometimes.
Explain to them that there is no monster under their bed called Critical Race Theory who will come and attack them in their sleep. Offer to check under their bed for them as proof. They likely won’t believe you, but hopefully over time you can convince them.
Explain to them that there are people out there who benefit from preying on their naiveté. One of those people is whoever told them that Missy Elliot first saying “I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it” in 2002 marked the birth of reverse racism. This might cause them to block their ears with their indexes while screaming “lalala I can’t hear you.” Be patient.

Scientists are working tirelessly to find a cure to help these poor victims because they are part of a demographic they deem is worth studying. Until then, stay safe out there folks and remember to wash your legs.