By: Kristina Ronalda, Florida Woman

To the fans in Vancouver,

We are deeply sorry for the hurt feelings and wallets of all the fans who anxiously awaited the arrival of the world’s best footballer, just to be met with disappointment. We have heard fans north of the border speak of some Canadian player who is truly the GOAT, but we have been unable to find Christian Sink Lair in our records.

Let’s be serious here. Did you really think a World Cup Champion would willingly play on turf? After taking such a long six–hour flight? No way! Sorry, not sorry, to all the kids wanting to see their “hero.” We hope the 50% off food helped dry your tears. Your parents spent $1,000 on Whitecaps tickets instead of our youth tournament entry fee, where Messi, Suarez, and Busquets actually were? Skill issue. 

You moose-riding, maple-syrup-drinking, snow-dwelling Canadians have no idea what proper football is. All you know is that ice sport “hockey” — which is much less beautiful than football. 

Edited: Our public relations team has since informed us that there is a hockey team near Miami. And, fun fact, they got further in the playoffs than Vancouver’s team! Who knew? Go Panthers, I guess.

You aren’t aware of our customs — how dare you ridicule our tradition of coming out late to start the second half. We need extra time to strategize how to get as many yellow cards as possible. And how dare you fans call our team disrespectful for stepping on your plain white jersey. It’s your own club’s fault for having a kit that doesn’t stand out! Add some pink!

The match officials may not have been in our favour — even giving our coaching staff a red card — but at least it wasn’t a six–game suspension like your coach received last year. Yet another thing Miami does better than you.

Vancouver, you can point fingers, but don’t point them our way! The league’s rigid schedule left us no choice but to earn more money at our home stadium rather than send our superstar to make a single appearance across the continent. It’s for the betterment of football as a whole — not that you Canadians would care about that. Can you even play football in all that snow?

Edit again: We have since seen the video of Canadian international and Vancouver Whitecap Sam Adekugbe using the snow in a goal celebration. Maybe some snow here would’ve helped your team in this result!

We in Miami can’t risk the investment we’ve made in the aging Argentinian superstar. It’s better for everyone in the league if he stays uninjured — and is totally not related to the cut he receives from the MLS’ lucrative AppleTV+ deal. 

Also, why aren’t Whitecaps fans thanking us for keeping Suarez back in Florida? It saves your “star” players from being bitten by Messi’s right–hand man. Your club may have stated that you “have no control over who plays for our opponent,” and honestly, you Canucks lucked out in this one.

While this missed match may leave a bad taste in the mouth for some — assuming you were taking advantage of the aforementioned discounted stadium food — it was all for the betterment of the sport. Go complain to the league for better scheduling. They’ll be so distracted counting their Messi bonuses they might make us play a second-ever match against each other. 

Hope your next 50 years are as unremarkable as your first 50. We wish you the best from our perch at the top of the standings.

Sincerely “sorry,”

Inter Miami <3