Peakie gets real

The harsh truth the readers want

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Stuffed crochet bear and chick surrounded by fake plants.
PHOTO: Татьяна Контеева / Pexels

By: Cam Darting, SFU Student and C Icart, Humour Editor

Dear Peakie, 

I started crocheting to help manage stress, but now there are crochet mushrooms everywhere in my apartment. They’ve taken on a life of their own. Don’t get me wrong; I love having 100 mushroom besties to help me decipher the hidden messages in my dreams. The issue is I can never get any work done anymore because I’m constantly getting distracted by my mushroom friends. How do I halt the spread of the crochet mushroom spores?

Sincerely, 
Oh Yarn, I’m Hooked

Dear Oh Yarn, I’m Hooked,

This sounds like such a problem! I’m scared you will become a serial crocheter, and we cannot let that happen. First things first, start crocheting squirrels. Squirrels love eating mushrooms, so they’ll take care of that problem without you needing to worry about it. Second, crochet extra squirrel bellies. They will probably get into a mushroom coma from all those fungi, so have backup storage to prevent that. If this doesn’t work, MOVE. Your work is not worth getting distracted by crocheted mushrooms. Hopefully you have the funds for this, because if you don’t, good luck.

Xoxo,
Peakie

Dear Peakie, 

I had a fantastic idea and told myself I would remember it, so I didn’t write it down. Now, all I feel is the emptiness in my head where the excellent idea used to live. I thought I was a fantastic landlord; I don’t know why she decided to move! Will you help me locate her and bring her back home? 

Sincerely, 
Forgetful Freddie 

Dear Forgetful Freddie,

Let’s dissect this. Firstly, how can you justify comparing your idea to a girl moving out? Not even Shakespeare would do that, and that man is as odd as it gets. Your metaphor makes him comparing a young boy to a summer’s day seem like nothing. Secondly, how do you expect me to help you find an idea you forgot? Do you expect me to crawl into that brain of yours and look? You’re seeking advice from the wrong person. You need Ms. Frizzle and her magic school bus for that. 

That’s my advice to you,
Peakie

Dear Peakie, 

The semester just started and I already have assignments due??? What happened to easing in? I’m thinking of emailing my prof to let him know that “it’s not that serious” and that “assigning work that takes longer than five minutes to complete is soooo low vibrational.” What else do you think I should say to him? 

Sincerely, 
I’m Just Here for that Piece of Paper

Dear I’m Just Here for that Piece of Paper,

You are me and I am you. Professors these days don’t even care about how their uptight actions can affect people like us. This being said, make sure you give him a piece of your mind for all of us. Remind him that WE pay his bills (probably, right? I’m not an economist). That ugly tie and slack combo he always wears is funded by US. WE BOUGHT THAT FOR HIM WITH OUR TUITION. Anyways, he needs to be humbled because he’s forgetting we can take away his income in a second by just dropping out. If that doesn’t work, just sue. I heard it’s really easy and you can live out that Elle Woods fantasy in a cute all-pink suit from Aritzia

Manifesting for you and your vibrations <3,
Peakie

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