Top five back-to-school tips *potty edition*

The bible for making sure your bowel movements don’t distract you at school

Sparkling toilet with a spotlight on it
ILLUSTRATION: Jill Baccay / The Peak

By: Cam Darting, SFU Student

We’ve all had those days when you’re attending a lecture, and BOOM, you feel your stomach brewing up a storm. I get it. It’s uncomfortable. These five tips will save you in these times, allowing you to easily deal with that brown situation.

1) Sorry, no cow juice for you
Cheese, ice cream, yogurt, oh, it all sounds amazing, doesn’t it? But you know what doesn’t? Explosive diarrhea, cramps, the sweat dripping down your forehead as you struggle to clench your buttocks to keep your number two caged in. To avoid these unfavourable circumstances, I recommend one thing: AVOID DAIRY. Now, this may not apply to everyone (lucky you), but for those of us who aren’t so blessed, AVOID. 

2) The flush lever = your new best friend
Don’t you hate it when your number two is so loud? When you’re using the washrooms on the library’s second floor, you can’t help but be worried if the people outside the bathroom can hear you blowing up the toilet. If you have this fear, do not worry, as I am here. Right before you make your big doo, you’ll want to flush, masking the orchestra that is your bowel movements. If you want to go above this, try coughing simultaneously. With the sound of the toilet flushing, this will surely hide the noises. Genius, no? I recommend doing this in one go because you don’t want to waste too much water! #EcoFriendly

3) Find your version of heaven on earth, or in this case, on campus.
I get it. We all have those devilish poops that ruin our day and need to come out. In situations like these, it’s important to find yourself a sanctuary on campus where you can let it rip in peace. Now, I obviously won’t share my go-to spot, but a close second is the bathrooms on the first floor of the SUB, right under the cafeteria. Not only are there multiple single stalls, but they are usually clean and very cozy. If you ever see me come out of one of those stalls, don’t go in after me.

4) What is that smell?
Sometimes, when you use one of the many one-stall bathrooms on campus (accessible and gender-neutral? Slay), you leave it smelling like a porta potty that’s never been cleaned. Let’s be real; most of the time, you don’t care, and you walk out of that bathroom like you just conquered a war. But sometimes, there’s a line waiting outside, and you get  embarrassed (especially if you don’t actually need an accessible stall). So, I recommend carrying around a travel-sized perfume with you at all times. Spray that in the air and, bam, leave the bathroom smelling like Bath & Body Works for the next victim.

5) Thank God I got rejected from UBC
What is great about the Burnaby campus is that most buildings are connected. No matter where you go, a washroom will always be near you. If you were at UBC, you’d have to walk for who knows how long to find the nearest bathroom. This one isn’t really a tip but more so a reminder of how lucky we are to be surrounded by a toilet 24/7. Hell on Burnaby Mountain-1, beautiful garden campus in Vancouver-0.