BREAKING NEWS: Air Canada reveals flight delay can be shortened if all passengers chip in to duct tape broken wings back together

CEO announces that there is no need for compensation as it was “only a love tap”

Air Canada planes on the tarmac at Toronto Pearson International Airport.
PHOTO: David Preston / Unsplash

By: C Icart, Humour Editor

Sunday afternoon, two Air Canada planes crashed into each other at YVR Airport. While that may sound bad, an Air Canada spokesperson has asked everyone to “stop being so dramatic.” The collision between an Air Canada Rouge Airbus A319 and a Jazz Air Canada Express Q400 (don’t worry, we don’t know what that means either) resulted in broken wings for both aircraft. Still, the spokesperson “doesn’t think it’s a big deal because no one died anyway, which totally could’ve happened, but didn’t.”

Footage of the collision on the tarmac has been circulating online, and the spokesperson has been encouraging folks to heart-react to it as “both planes literally look like besties giving each other a love tap.” Air Canada will not apologize for the delays as “delays are part of the Air Canada experience, and we like to delay as many flights as possible to keep our customers on their toes and give them reasons to call us and listen to our lovely hold music.”

The spokesperson would like to remind everyone that while being delayed for several hours and potentially missing a connecting flight sucks, “a few hours is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and this event makes for a great story to tell your grandkids one day when enough time has passed that you’re no longer cranky about it.” In addition, they stated that the real problem is that “nobody wants to work these days,” and “if every passenger got their fucking ass up and worked together to duct tape the wings, this whole thing would’ve been taken care of much sooner.” 

Unfortunately, we could not ask further questions as the spokesperson told us they were “fucking tired of these ridiculous little interviews, especially after yesterday’s vomit fiasco.” A quick Google search on our end — what? You thought I was doing legit journalism? — has revealed that they tried to get passengers to sit on vomit-covered seats that they had “cleaned” with coffee grounds and perfume. While this sounds unbelievable, I can assure you it is one of the parts of this article that is not made up. In a previous video interview with another news source, the same spokesperson can be heard mumbling, “passengers flying out of Las Vegas should not be such babies about puke.”

The airline is grateful for C-18 regulations and Meta “end[ing] news sharing on its platforms in Canada” as it has prevented countless Canadians from knowing about these incidents (how embarrassing would that have been?). Our speedy Googling has also revealed that the Air Canada tagline is “fly the flag,” and we’re assuming they’re still encouraging everyone to keep doing that even though they cannot confirm or deny they will continue to fly their planes.

Considering that Air Canada blunders seem to be a daily occurrence, we will consider this a developing story, and if we’re in the mood, we may provide updates.