By: Alex Ileto, SFU Student
Cancer
Venus, the planet of love, is currently zooming toward Earth to orbit around you. That’s right, this week, invest time into your love life. Forgo Pokémon Go and download that dating app your friends have been pestering you about. Head to the SFU Surrey Engineering Building and pretend you’re lost — an engineer in the making will be happy to help. When all hope is lost, put on a UBC hoodie and scope the scene there.
Leo
Time to assert your dominance in your friend group by becoming an alpha. Our pro tips include keeping a straight face when your friend shows you a silly (but funny) TikTok, finally making that LinkedIn page, and getting your finances together for your first home— okay, maybe not in this economy. A Minecraft house will do.
Virgo
The planets are aligning and telling me you’re the best star sign and deserve the most. This week is your time to shine and be a little narcissistic. Treat yourself to some new drip. Post those photo dumps you’ve been withholding for months. You. Are. A. Star.
Libra
Happiness: declining. Urge to curl up in a ball and hide in the depths of RCB: increasing. However, things are looking up for you this week. Visit your local spirituality store and stock up on crystals because now is the perfect time to manifest.
Scorpio
Eenie. Meenie. Miney. Oh no! You seem a little lost. Time to start investing more time into self-care. During your free time, crank up a Nicki Minaj 2010s era playlist and go on a nature walk. Find peace amongst the trees and yassification amongst the Roman Zolanski soundtrack. You’ll be slaying the day away in no time.
Sagittarius
STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW AND MAKE THAT IMPORTANT DECISION YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING OFF ON.
Capricorn
Have you recently been bothered by friends who won’t stop giving you unprompted updates about Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour? Are you annoyed by notifications about changes in her setlist and new outfits? Well, don’t be! It’s time to give in and submit your life to being a Swiftie. So enter that lavender haze. Are you ready for it?
Aries
This is your week to CHILL OUT. The last few weeks have been brutal for you, so take it easy. Go to a pilates class in a fancy gym, go on a long drive to a place without much going on (I’m looking at you, Mission), learn how to make that Gigi Hadid pasta you’ve had saved on your TikTok since the pandemic started — the possibilities are endless.
Taurus
Keep calm and carry on. SIKE. These are NOT words to live by this week. Unlike Aries, this is the time to be aggressive. Sharpen those horns and bulldoze through everything that’s been bothering you lately, whether that’s an assignment you’ve been procrastinating on or a Tinder chat that’s going nowhere. Do what you need to do!
Gemini
Time to switch things up and break out of your routine. Instead, adopt The Rock’s routine: waking up at 3:30 a.m., 50 minutes of cardio, a breakfast of steak, eggs, watermelon, and toast, and an intensive back workout followed by an ice-cold shower. Don’t be too tempted! Start today!
Aquarius
You got the whole squad laughing. No, actually! Now that Venus is aligned with Mars, your inner silly, goofy persona is emerging. Embrace this newfound humour by saying the first thing that comes to mind in any situation. Get rid of any filters you have and start blurting. Someone in the room will be doubled up laughing — I promise.
Pisces
It’s time to finally do that spring cleaning session you’ve been putting off! This includes (but is not limited to) getting rid of the pile of pebbles you gathered at the beach as a “souvenir,” unfollowing everyone who you speed-walk by on campus to avoid making eye contact with, and composting those flowers from your ex that you tried to press in a YellowPages. Marie Kondo would be proud.
