By: Maya Beninteso, Peak Associate and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
I used to be terrified of raccoons. So, I subscribed to Raccoon Whisperer’s YouTube channel to overcome my fear. It worked tremendously! But now, I’ve followed in James’ (Raccoon Whisperer) footsteps and fed the raccoons in my neighbourhood. My boyfriend is upset because 50 raccoons came to our house yesterday for dinner. How do I explain to him that the raccoons are part of my cottagecore fantasy?
Sincerely,
Raccoon Whisperer #2
Dear Raccoon Whisperer #2,
Firstly, amazing use of systematic desensitization to overcome your fear of our beloved trash pandas #HealingQueen. Secondly, what is a boyfriend, if not someone who’s supposed to support your dreams? You might’ve desensitized yourself to raccoons, but don’t you dare desensitize yourself to your boyfriend’s atrocious behaviour. You can have your raccoons and eat with them too, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Let him know that he can become Raccoon Whisperer #3, or all his precious belongings can end up in a tree. <3
Take the trash out,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I’ve been using a fake name at my local coffee shop because Big Brother is always watching. However, I recently learned I have mutual friends with my barista. Long story short, today, my barista asked me why I used a fake name for coffee. So naturally, I told them I was a part of the princess protection program. How do I edit myself into videos of King Charles’ coronation to provide evidence?
Royally,
Wannabe Princess
Your Highness,
There is only one viable solution. Move. Pack up your bags and move somewhere else because you’ve clearly ruined your chances — and reputation — in your area. You might as well get a shirt with “I’m a liar” on it because NO ONE would voluntarily provide a mutual friend with such “sensitive information.” On another note, Big Brother is always watching, and I’m pretty sure you’re not falling under any radar, considering that you’re writing on a public forum. I don’t mean to reign on your parade (that you’re cordially not invited to, you fraud).
I am always watching,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I’m a fashion icon. As you know, that comes with a lot of haters. Recently, a classmate complained about my outfit to our philosophy professor. I know it’s because he’s jealous, even though he claims it’s because my “giant whale costume is distracting as it sprays water and makes whale sounds.” How do I stand up for my right to express myself through my outfits?
Sincerely,
THE fashionista
THE fashionista,
While I am known for my thirst for vengeance, I will be singing a different tune today. Here is my advice: kill your classmate . . . with kindness. It sounds like he’s not having a whale of a good time, so show him one. Make him have a splash and remind him there are more pressing issues in the sea (like, I don’t know, climate change or the policing of women’s bodies or WHEN TAYLOR SWIFT IS GOING TO ANNOUNCE INTERNATIONAL TOUR DATES). Alternatively, you could apply your learning from philosophy class and have a spirited debate (but we both know that’s not going to happen because who on earth willingly does that).
Just keep swimming,
Peakie
