By: Isabella Urbani, Staff Writer
I never thought I’d be in this position. I was merely a child when the game launched in 2012 — the same year the world was allegedly supposed to end. But . . . what if it did? What if Candy Crush is all we have left? You ever wonder why NO ONE has beaten the game? Not even the OG’s. I know what you’re thinking. It can’t be. But it is.
Look at your phone. Really, look closely. You see it, too, don’t you? That tacky blue icon. Those three candies enshrined in a glowing light. Kind of like a halo. A halo shrouded in DARKNESS.
Listen, I don’t know how the app got on my phone, either. Last thing I remember, I was making some sly remark about how easy the game is and wondering how anyone could ever want to play more than a single lev . . .
How am I on level 240 already? OKAY, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!
240 levels in one day? That’s enough screen time for today. You know what? I’m done playing this ridiculous, captivating, addictive game for li—
Oh my gosh, that’s so cute! You can send friend requests?
What the heck? Snap out of it. This is an app, for crying out loud! I’m acting like a millennial discovering Facebook. Decline. But, oh, look! They sent me a life. How sweet. Maybe I should message them and ask how their parents are doing; it’s been a while since we last ta—
CURSE YOU, GAME!!! I DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS PERSON. STOP MAKING MY YA WATTPAD FANTASIES COME TO LIFE!
I just need to walk away. Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll just walk away from my phone and . . . No. That won’t work. I need my phone. I’ll just delete the app. YEAH, THAT’S IT. One click of a button and woof, that wasn’t so hard after all. I can’t believe I wasted so much time worrying that the app was actually alive. Can you imagine?
Is exactly what I would have said if the app had ACTUALLY deleted itself.
I think it’s upset with me now. The app is glowing red. It wasn’t glowing red before, was it? Maybe it’s an update. Do they even update apps this old?
But why is it the only app on my phone that prevents me from deleting it ? Did Apple buy Candy Crush or something? It’s probably like that U2 album that was pre-downloaded on iPhones.
HOW AM I ON LEVEL 500?!?!!!!
I’M NOT EVEN PLAYING RIGHT NOW. The game’s gone meta. THE GAME’S GONE META. I’m candy-crushing even when I’m not candy-crushing. I’m not rearranging my food cabinets to reach my favourite cereal; I’m trying to release the seven Gummi Dragons in 20 turns.
19, 18 . . . blinks count as moves now? I’ve been commodified. It’s like I’m living in my own personal Henry Ford and Frederick Taylor nightmare. That’s why no one ever talks about playing Candy Crush. It’s not because of the embarrassment. It’s because they can’t. How would anyone know?
I MUST WARN THE OTHERS WHILE I STILL HAVE TIME. Do exactly as I say:
Stripped Candy. Wrapped Candy. Colour Bomb. Jelly Fish. Coconut Wheel.
Now go, spread the word.
