By: Michelle (Megistus) Young, Editor-in-Chief
Aries: Hu Tao. Maybe your friends worry that you are burning both ends of the candle, but you always make it through (looking a little haunted) in the end! She is the perfect, fiery, high-energy date for you — even though you are a meta-slave who shit-talked Kokomi before her release, and now you refuse to acknowledge your struggle with corrosion.
Taurus: Itto, duh. His elemental skill is literally a bull and he is a grown-up version of Naruto — nurture your childhood anime crush. You find his bullishness . . . rather charming! Catching bugs can be cute, I promise. Also, you should really lean into mono geo teams.
Gemini: We think the graceful Ayaka is just right for you. The princess of the Kamisato Clan is known for her dancing — and wet socks — you two are going cherry blossom viewing together! A small word of advice, there are other team comps besides freeze teams.
Cancer: Childe. Sorry. I know, I know, you just wanted Layla. That’s what happens when you “build pity.”
Leo: You literally always want attention and someone needs to keep that in check. The obvious answer is to go on a date with Kaeya! There is no way you can continue your arrogant ways after going out with someone so fabulous.
Virgo: I know deep down inside you are a furry, so this one is easy — Gorou.
Libra: Mona. You will have to pay for her, but she is an astrologist who can see your fate. Fair trade. Also, as a fellow student, you probably feel some pity for the eternally poor young lady.
Scorpio: Xiao. I can hear the angst teen phase you had/are still going through. Two negatives make a positive, right? Besides, conquering demons is what he does, so maybe he can get rid of some of those inner demons for you.
Sagittarius: You are a believer in women’s rights, and women’s wrongs, so of course your brain shut down when the Raiden Shogun was introduced. You refuse to learn anything about team comps, but it doesn’t matter ‘cause you main Raiden, apparently? Idk, maybe you should update those mismatched artifacts.
Capricorn: Keqing. Oh, you thought it was going to be Ganyu? Sorry, I’m not that predictable. You are loyal. You pulled for Keqing when she was on the Limited Event Banner, and have been maining her since. Now you can laugh at everyone who called her “the worst five star,” since the abyss is an easy clear with your new aggravate team.
Aquarius: Ayato. You are so good at convincing everyone you are a gacha dolphin, not a whale, even though you used all the one-time offers in the shop. Ayato is the perfect match for your conniving ways.
Pisces: Yoimiya. As a fish sign, you probably expected a character with a hydro vision. Yoimiya’s signature dish is a festival fish though! You need a little spark in your life, not everything needs to be dramatic and sad. Maybe if you stopped pulling on the weapon banner you wouldn’t be so sad.
