Dear Peakie

Advice from the person who didn’t know car lights are just white with red plastic over them

0
811
A photo of someone looking prim in an office chair with a thick book in their hands.
PHOTO: Pexels

By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer and Expert Advice Giver

Dear Peakie,

I want to like, go beyond myself this year . . . like, really ascend . . . and you know what they say, the will of the mind guides the will of your path or something. I don’t know who said that, but I do know you can give me some advice on how to be beyond.

Sincerely,

High Up in the Stars

Dear High Up in the Stars,

I think Paris Hilton said that once, and Paris Hilton slays. Sounds like you’re looking for a spiritual experience. I recommend taking some fun gummies and attending a “Starry Nights” event at the Trottier Observatory — lay back and watch the stars dance right in front of your eyes. Try to count the dots in the sky and imagine what it would be like to be floating up there with them. I guarantee you’ll find what you’re looking for.

Good vibes only,

Peakie

Dear Peakie,

Where on earth is my cute, edgy boyfriend with a mysterious past that I must exact all my emotional highs and lows on? It is cuffing season and I am BITTER. I was told this was a school of engagement, no less. Where are people going to seek out their significant others? When will I be a significant other?

Sincerely,

#1 Most Single University Student (NOT Engaged)

Dear #1 Most Single University Student (NOT Engaged),

Uh oh! You must not have gotten the memo: SFU is Canada’s most engaged university. You might have to drop out to preserve your integrity if you don’t find someone ASAP. I suggest sitting next to the cute, edgy guy in your seminar class and introducing yourself by telling him all about your dream wedding. You’re sure to land a bf that way! 

Also, try hanging out around the avocado — it seems to be where lots of your peers get busy, so why not try? Be a hot girl! Actually, maybe don’t try that . . . rumours say you can hear faint cries for “momma and dadda” coming from inside the avocado. I think it might be a good thing you’re NOT engaged. Do NOT tell SFU I said that.

Live, laugh, love,

Peakie

Dear Peakie,

I can feel the hole in my wallet stare into me (metaphorically, of course, I haven’t seen a fifty dollar bill in years). It feels like guilt and bad decisions, but I just need that extra push of comfort every morning from my Renaissance run! HELP.

Sincerely,

My Money Jiggle Jiggles too much

Dear My Money Jiggle Jiggles too much,

Unfortunately (for my wallet), I, too, have fallen victim to Renaissance. The people are too nice and the food is too delicious! Luckily, I think I have the perfect solution to help you feel better every time you tappy-tap your card. Take cash out and use that to fuel your coffee addiction! Instead of hearing the sound of Apple Pay telling you you’re one step closer to bankruptcy every time you need a caffeine boost, pay with cash — it’ll be like you’re not spending any money at all. Because cash isn’t real money . . . right?

Manifesting rich vibes forever,

Peakie

Leave a Reply