By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor and Nercya Kalino, Staff Writer
The Peak has had the incredible opportunity to gather two of SFU Burnaby’s most coveted raccoon starlets: resident food critic Reginald the III himself and Stinks the Raccoon, TV personality extraordinaire! These grubby little paws possess knowledge of every corner on campus, and we are blessed to have them with us today.
In this new segment that totally doesn’t parody our own Opinions section, we have “Opinions in Garbage!” Watch these two starlets tackle SFU’s biggest questions, like why logging into your email or Canvas actually boots you to the log out screen, or whether SFU Burnaby’s bathrooms could ever compare to Surrey or Vancouver!
This time, we’re making them tackle something close to home. What do you two think of the garbage cans around campus?
Reginald the III: First of all, I’m honoured to have a space on your human periodical, fellow SFU dwellers. But I have to say, I think this is a rather droll question to direct to me and my fellow raccoon. There is obviously one correct answer, right, Stinks?
Stinks the Raccoon : Certainly, but your grace, don’t forget our work is much more enticing compared to SFU students’ work. They might find our dialogue redundant, but they’ll tune in. Regardless, the garbage cans as a topic is subjective, Reginald the III would know. Sounds like someone needs to do some research.
Reginald the III: That’s right, a better question more well suited for serious news in the raccoon community is how we feel about garbage infighting! Now, that’s a hotly debated topic. Just imagine our youngest raccoons, munching on old Tim Horton’s wrappers instead of the juiciest pears rolling behind the Nester’s Market! I just can’t imagine it, Stinks. It is so important to have sustainable scavenging practices for our young’ins. You know my humble opinion of the Burnaby campus’ greatest, obviously, I have a soft spot for the Surrey campus. What do you think of the garbage options at SFU, if I could have a penny (or a half-eaten orange) for your thoughts?
Stinks the Raccoon : Now that’s a question! Well, let me tell you something. Garbage riots make for good content. Do I condemn it? Certainly, but whenever it happens, you know where I will be with my camera. And of course as the younger generation, we have a level of entitlement especially with the dining expansion! Some raccoon s will be losing their paws I tell you. So far, I think I am still learning which garbage bins benefit me best. I am not a picky eater but if we need to be honest, the Burnaby Residence garbage sucks! There are just low quality items there. So I have to agree with you on this one Reginald. I guess my question would have to be what is the weirdest human encounter you’ve had when dumpster diving?
Reginald the III: What a wonderful question! I must agree with you, Stinks, even for a budget or comfortable option for your regular raccoon, the Burnaby Residence garbage is simply sub-par. There is so much soggy spinach from the humans’ intent to eat healthy produce, and it is boring! I wish they would try . . . some apples, or some dragonfruit. Some diversity would really brighten up that dump. As you know, yours truly prefers to dine alone. So I would say the most interesting encounter was when I made eye contact with what the humans call Mc . . . Dog? Anyways, there I was, and this furry imposter was staring straight at me as I tried to settle for my dinner! It was so upsetting. Have you encountered anything like that, Stinks?
Stinks the Raccoon : McDog, what a name . . . I’m sorry for your encounter and I do hear you on the lone dining. As for me, what I am about to tell you dies here in this article. As usual, I brought my camera with me for a small vlogging trip down at the Burnaby residence, behind the graduate resident building. I approached the bins, mind you, this was just after sunset. I heard some grunting and rustles inside the bins. So I thought maybe it was just some raccoon s playing around. No! There was a human inside. Rummaging through the trash. What a sight! I was recording the whole thing live. I must say, that was my highest rated video.
Reginald the III: Well! I surmise we have inspired the humans, and that is cause for celebration. I remember watching that video myself, and it gave me a good old chortle. Now, I think we’re overdue for a meal together, old friend. What do you say we ditch this intrepid underground office together?
Stinks the Raccoon : Well, of course! A dinner with you is the highlight of my day. I know your followers will surely be jealous of me, your grace.
Reginald the III: And mine yours, dear friend! Let’s ditch this interview.
