By: Suraj Raj, SFU Student
Today’s exploration in Cryptid Spotlight takes a turn toward the sewers. Isn’t it difficult being a student with an 8:00 a.m. class? You have no time to eat breakfast. Now you have to leave for class and a thought plagues your mind. What if I need to take a dump in the university toilets?
SFU has a wealth of toilets at your disposal. Every corner you turn on your way to class is a constant reminder you need to release the beast. Your stomach churns and grunts as you try to go to your happy place but the intensifying pain prevents you from doing so. You’re already late to class, what can you possibly do to keep it in? Now, what if I told you that an exquisite bathroom on campus could really exist? This SFU bathroom will make all your poop-relieving dreams come true.
The legend goes, every day, this mysterious marvel of a bathroom appears in a different area around campus. It’s spotless, with the scent of lemon lysol and lavender. A toilet with a seat so comfortable it’s like you’re sitting on a cushion with toilet paper as smooth as silk. The crystal clear water running from the taps is an indescribably perfect temperature. However, only few have ever seen it, and even fewer have had the privilege of using it.
We found one alleged user of the legendary bathroom, Harry Potty, and immediately chased them for answers. They claim the bathroom must CHOOSE to appear in front of you. In other words, you must be worthy of it.
“I was just walking down the halls when the poop shaped scar on my stomach started burning intensely. That’s when I saw it. It was incredible. I felt like I was transported into a magical world. I came out of it a completely different person!” they exclaimed.
Potty also added that to prove yourself worthy, you must first do a trial. Something unthinkable. One must sit on the toilet seat of a regular public SFU washroom, without placing rolls of toilet paper on the seat.
“One day, long before I was blessed with the magical washroom, I was dying. I mean, I literally felt like it was going to explode down there,” Potty reminisced.
“There was no time to think. I rushed into one of the 3rd floor AQ bathrooms. It was super crowded too. Man, that brings back some horrible memories,” a disheartened Potty said.
“However, I made sure I cleaned up after myself. With my all-purpose gloves and homemade cleaning solution I carry with me every time I come on to campus, I left the area spotless. So while I made the ultimate sacrifice, I did not intend on passing that on to the next toilet user,” they said proudly.
Potty also believes that to be worthy of the magical bathroom, one must prove they never leave a stinking mess behind. After all, even the phantom bathroom won’t clean itself.
So there you go! SFU may in fact have the most perfect bathroom known to human existence. But even if you struggle to find yourself to be worthy, there is no reason the regular SFU bathrooms won’t do the trick. If it is scrubbed, swept, mopped, and immaculately cleansed, there is no reason one can’t drop a deuce without a worry in the world about which bathroom on campus is the cleanest one.
Signed,
Suraj Raj, Toilet Expert
