Top ten ways to ensure everyone knows you’re a calm and collected person

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Very calm, very cool. Nothing wrong here. Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Maya Beninteso, Peak Associate

1. Cry with every minor inconvenience 

Haven’t you heard? Only calm and collected people cry when their pencil drops for the fourth time in thirty minutes. I don’t know about you but, by that definition, I surely have you all beat in the calmness category (sorry, not all of us can be winners).

2. Talk with the goal of efficiency

Be a time management queen and talk as fast as you possibly can, with as little words as you can. If no one can understand you, that’s on them! Concision. Speed. Success.

3. Always reach your destination at a sprint

This is your sign to dash down the halls of the AQ. Live out your Home Alone rushing to the airport scene (but don’t forget Kevin). Nothing says “I’m cool as a cucumber” like sweating profusely as you sprint your way to your third lecture of the day.

4. Bring your life’s supply of stationery to lecture

Your classic ballpoint pens and mechanical pencils. Your wax seal set. Your standard pencil that is, like you, one sharpening away from its wit’s end. Bring absolutely every piece of stationery that you own (yes, even the lingering bits of crayons from when your biggest worry was colouring inside the lines). Use this tip and you’ll secure the coveted title of #thecalmestperson

5. Ask questions

No question is a bad question! Ask them all! When the professor starts lecture and introduces themself, ask about the origins of their name, the reason why they chose a life in academia, and their life story. Bonus points for frantically taking notes after they answer . . .with a gnawed crayon.

6. Master your courses before they start

You heard me. Finish the syllabus before it finishes you. Study with the intention of schooling your professor. In the event they slip up, your calm and collected self will demolish them with your knowledge, subtly mocking their lack thereof. After all, Type A and toxically competitive people are well known for their ability to be calm.

7. Wear a “I am a calm and collected person” t-shirt

Work smarter, not harder.

8. Drink all the caffeine

Wake up? It’s time for two iced coffees. On your way to campus? It’s time for contemplating your life choices RedBull. Studying in the library? It’s for some highly caffeinated tea, followed by another two iced coffees. With all the empty cups surrounding your very productive workspace, everyone will know how calm you are. Bonus points if you consume caffeine to the point where you get the shakes

9. Narrate your every move aloud 

[insert your name] paces back and forth near the koi ponds, wishing they could drop out, trading school for becoming a part of the school of fish below. Their reflection in the water reflects their moment of self-reflectio—

 

Meanwhile, dozens of students have stopped, watching you and your not-so-quiet moment of introspection. Surely, indubitably, without a shadow of a doubt, they’re all silently thinking just how calm and collected you are . . .

10. Be yourself

If you’re reading this piece about how to let everyone know you’re a calm and collected person, chances are that you’re already calm and collected — and that you likely follow at least one of these tips (tip one hits close to home, huh).