By: Yasmin Vejs Simsek, Staff Writer

Dear Mrs. Goldblum of Goldblum and Sons,

I am writing to seek legal advice. I have this monster under my bed, like I am sure many of your clients have had. While I do not wish to evict him, I do need him to pay rent. My utilities have basically gone through the roof since he moved in, and I cannot carry the financial burden for the both of us, especially not in this economy. It’s quite difficult to communicate with him since he only grunts. Not to mention the cultural barrier of someone who prefers hiding under the bed over having a house meeting.

I have attempted to write up a rental agreement that I would appreciate you looking through and advising me on the next step.

Name: Monster*

Address: 666 Godzilla Avenue, Loch Ness, BC

*Note: I am unsure of Monster’s name, as they simply blurt out unearthly horrors every time I ask.

This is a legally binding agreement between Landlord and Renter. The latter will hereby be referred to as Monster. This contract will outline the rent Monster shall pay Landlord as a fee for moving in under their bed. The contract will be in effect for a month once signed, with the possibility of renewal if Monster agrees to never scare Landlord on purpose and adheres to the following:

Monster agrees to pay Landlord the sum of $1,000 on a monthly basis for their comfortable living quarters under the bed. This includes utilities, water, gas, but not Wi-Fi. Access to Wi-Fi will be an additional $50 a month, considering how many hours Monster spends on Facetime with Big Foot. This can be negotiated if Monster chooses to take said calls at a nearby café and/or agrees to read Landlord a bedtime story every Monday night. Moreover, the rent will include access to Landlord’s Netflix account, so long as Monster promises to only use their own profile and not interfere with Landlord’s algorithm. Landlord is a scaredy cat.

Monster is allowed to have friends over once a week, with the exception of the Boogieman, with whom Landlord has beef. Additionally, Monster shall pay Landlord a security deposit in the amount of $800, in case of any damages Monster might cause with their large presence. The deposit will be returned as long as the premises are returned in the same condition as accepted, including the return of each individual dust bunny. No pets will be allowed, as Monster is technically considered a pet under Canadian law, but a renter under this contract.

Thanks, Ms. Goldblum, I hope you have a terrific—

No, stop Monster. STOP! You can’t eat this letter, it’s official business!