Top Ten SFSS executive team candidates

Meet the best SFU could do

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A hand dropping a voter ballot in a box
Your ballot — hopefully for Chase. PHOTO: Element5 Digital / Unsplash

By: Luke Faulks, Staff Writer

  1. Jane Hoo
    Not many people know Jane by her first name, but all our readers will recognize her as the person who designed those “Owl in area” signs last year during the scourge of intermittent owl attacks in Burnaby. Admittedly, Jane’s platform seems to be largely owl-based but we believe her proven track record of actual action in the SFU community automatically puts her as a top contender for this election.

  2. Reginald Trashpanda III
    Currently serving as resident food critic for The Peak, Reginald Trashpanda III is a raccoon of many opinions. “Our university is in dire need of culture, class, and taste,” claimed Reginald on his recent talk radio show. “Regretfully, the burden has come unto me in order to set SFU straight.” Despite the fact he is not an undergrad student nor human being, Reginald Trashpanda III has successfully registered with SFSS as a candidate and is polling fantastically in the Upper West Campus district.

  3. Brandon
    Much like Jane, not a lot of people know who Brandon is, where he came from or what his opinion on anything is. But that just may be what this university needs right now. After a term dominated by progressives, and a legitimate desire on both sides of the aisle to see politics become less divisive, why not go with the mysterious Brandon? Conservatives love him, Liberals are . . . largely silent on the issue, so what’s the harm?

  4. The ghost of Terry Fox
    He is absolutely livid no one put a toque or scarf on his statue this winter. So naturally, Terry has been awakened and is loose on campus looking for change. Terry will be both figuratively and literally running for Council this semester under the insistence that students start getting their spare winter clothes in check.

  5. E. Rex Sean
    An extremely real candidate who is more than just an unfortunate name. It is unknown any policies E. Rex is advocating this election or what their plans for office will be as most of their campaign has been promising voters they are a real person. However, multiple E. Rex Seans can be found across campus as their poster’s largely consist of a giant picture of their face and the campaign slogan “I won’t let you down.”

  6. Jeb Bush
    The last few decades haven’t been kind to the former governor of Florida. We don’t know why or how he enrolled at SFU for this but give the guy a break. He needs this.

  7. Koi Johnson
    Hailing from the remote “East-corner-of-the-pond,”  Johnson laid out her platform in a recent interview with Carp and Diver. Johnson has also emphatically requested to be seated far from “that raccoon” during debates. When asked to comment on these requests Reginald Trashpanda III stated he “would never lower himself to dining in the AQ pond.”

  8. Seymour Buttz
    Unlike E. Rex, this candidate is very much fake. But we still think it’s worth the vote just for the jokes.

  9. Chase
    Another unknown fresh off the streets, Chase’s campaign journey is truly inspiring. Although he doesn’t have any specific platform or policies, he does assure us he “had a life changing acid trip at Burnaby Mountain park that just made [him] totally like, understand . . . our entire reality.”  Everytime you see Chase, he’s holding a skateboard, wearing a cozy knit sweater, and sipping a bottle of homebrewed kombucha. He always asks you how you’re doing, he always genuinely listens and he always makes you feel safe. Vote for Chase.

  10. A literal change.org petition
    Let’s face it, activism is tough. While only about 40 students recently turned up to the class walkout protest, over 4,000 students signed the change.org petition. This candidate is running with the promise that all student society decisions will be made through petitions and the university will finally see deep rooted change(.org). “Over the course of the pandemic, we’ve learned to do everything digitally — why not activism?” the petition stated in its about section, with thousands agreeing. If you wish to vote for this candidate leave your name, and email address on the form then go to sleep assured that the petition will be sent  . . .  somewhere and do . . .  something.