By: Sara Brinkac, Humour Editor
Just in time for Valentine’s week, the votes are in and former mascot, McFogg the Dog has been officially voted SFU’s sexiest representative for 2022. This news will come as no surprise to most SFU students as it would be hard to deny the tight assed beauty that is the Scottish terrier. However, select student groups across campus are furious their candidates were overlooked for the position.
In a recent statement, SFSS president Kay Ninelove assured students she took “every measure necessary to assure a fair decision was reached” and “took a personal interest” in each candidate in order to confirm the right choice was made. To maintain complete transparency with student groups, Ninelove cited the following criteria as the basis for her judgement:
- Hot bod
- Dreamy eyes
- Luscious hair
- A jawline that could cut glass
- Best smile
- Cutest toes
One simple look at McFogg and you know he delivers on all of these qualities paw over fist. No student across the SFU campuses can deny that they haven’t had at least three daydreams about being held in McFogg’s burly arms. Just the two of you, twirling his luscious moustache, eating strawberries off each other’s bodies, and making love on various white sand beaches in the summertime. It’s also not uncommon for students to have consistent wet dreams of McFogg building you a warm log cabin on Burnaby Mountain during the snowstorms with nothing but his cute toes keeping you warm.
While student advocates for other sexy candidates admit they each have had these dreams multiple times, they refuse to agree these qualities beat the sexual relevance of their canditates.
“It’s a complete outrage” says Charles Sexsmith, advocate for a rat they found in the dining hall. “This rat is the complete package, I don’t think anyone can deny that, much less McFogg.” Sexsmith argues that while McFogg and the rat equal in much of the decision criteria, this dining hall rat’s chiselled jawline and “eyes you could swim in for weeks on end” surpass McFogg’s sexual credibility entirely.
Other student groups, such as the advocacy group for “that one giant seagull in the AQ,” have taken to a campus wide petition in order to demand a revote. Their petition cites Ninelove’s personal involvement with the candidates clouded her judgement and ruined the sanctity of the award. “Look at this bod and try telling me McFoggs is hotter,” enraged student Dixon Chix demanded, shakily holding a picture of a massive seagull deep-throating a Donair Town wrapper.
When asked to comment on her involvement, Ninelove refused to acknowledge that the objectivity of her decision was compromised in any way. She once again restated the decision criteria and pulled out various pictures of McFogg highlighting how each of the previously listed attributes were more than present in this candidate.
Amongst the many photos and between long pauses in her speech, Both Ninelove and The Peak seemed to forget an interview was being conducted. Instead, they both sunk deeper into the pictures of McFogg’s dreamy eyes and were whisked away from the SFU office to an Italian Riviera. They found themselves in a shared vision of shirtless McFogg with a red scarf feeding them fresh grapes on a boat, while softly bag-piping Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You. Each of them softly embraced each other for a moment, shed two tears of complete satisfaction and went on their respective ways.
