By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
Have you ever visited SFU’s most popular department and wondered why they have so many cameras? Have you felt like you’re being watched, even when every other student’s eyes are glued to their work? Know this: the School of Criminology is not all it seems. Besides offering RCMP propaganda, feeding morbid fascination with serial killers, and bringing together future lawyers, the department is also a hub for supernatural research.
A good paranormal investigator knows that for the public to quit mocking them, they must capture their targets on camera. A great paranormal investigator knows that a peer-reviewed study with an easily controlled environment is the only way to provide definitive proof. Where better to study the supernatural than a university campus? Investigators can control the time, place, and number of people in the wing by scheduling classes. They can do anything at any time and never be out of place. Most importantly, they can set up as many cameras as they want under the guise of being a criminology school.
Why SFU of all places? Staff can utilize zombie-friendly resources like an autopsy suite, learn from the ghost of renowned skeptic Barry Beyerstein, and seek out werewolves who spend their full moons on the mountain.
Burnaby Mountain is home to its own cryptids, which makes it a perfect hub for underground researchers. The recent moth infestations, clearly the work of an angry forest deity or our own mothman-like figure, terrorize metro Vancouver; thanks to the department’s hard work, there were less moths than last year. The Pacific Northwest even has its own bigfoot, who I spotted twice here in just 2020. Besides, weird happenings on the sixth floor of the AQ can only be explained by a poltergeist, right?
The criminology wing is also conveniently located near the exit to Cornerstone. If there’s one thing supernatural researchers know, it’s that easy access to a grocery store is critical to quality research. What if they need cleaning supplies when a ghost leaves behind that weird gooey stuff stuck to the bottom of seats? Or if they need rhinestones to bribe a particularly grumpy mutant raven?
How am I certain that the department is used for paranormal research? Simple language deduction. “Criminology” is an anagram for “Looming, I cry” and pays tribute to the phoenix, which has magical tears.
Further, “The School of Criminology” is an anagram of “They shoo! Lo! Gnomic frolic!” Clearly, it’s a message that gnomes taking safe haven in the offices will scatter if approached. (Otherwise it’s just “Oh, YOLO! Gnomic frolics!” but that’s not quite as foreboding.)
Please, next time you wonder about the criminology wing’s excessive surveillance, know that it’s not you they’re watching. Pass by quietly and don’t mind the strange things you may see; it’s just supernatural researchers at work.