Carter’s Declassified SFU Survival Guide

Your most valuable advice for the return to campus

PHOTO: Chris Ho / The Peak

By: Carter Hemion, Staff Writer

Congratulations on starting or returning to your SFU adventure in Fall 2021! Things have changed since the last time we were all on campus. As your humble guide, I’m here to help prepare you.

Before you get too comfortable at the Burnaby campus, you need to know who to make friends with. When you enter the AQ from Convocation Mall, remember you can only take a bottom set of automatic doors in after you have befriended Hairy George. He’s the head of a gang of janitorial raccoons that use automatic doors to sneak in every night to clean up around the trash cans and various garden areas. Hairy George also works crowd control about 20 minutes after the hour and, with his help, you’ll never be late to class. Just hold the elevator doors for him once in a while!

Once you start spending time on campus, learn your study spots. Watch out for haunted areas like the autopsy suite and the office where a deceased professor and paranormal expert may still lurk. SFU is also currently home to a paranormal investigator and expert on human decomposition, should you run into any ghosts. But don’t worry — spirits rarely harm people! You’re more likely to just become a zombie yourself.

When you have your first mental breakdown, prime locations are on the fourth floor of the AQ, the seventh floor of the library, and that roof of the South Sciences Building that you should not climb on under any circumstances. (Don’t worry — I won’t tell!) Plan your cries wisely, as you will need to sign up online for these spots during midterms and finals.

As you get settled, know that hooking up in the Avocado is so 2019. In 2021, we get nailed on the giant hammer, get plowed in the Learning Gardens, or go bone in an archaeology lab. Better yet, bus to the Surrey campus and study instead. 

For good luck, some students take a dip in the pond every winter to ensure passing the term. Others choose to kiss the Beedie mural’s graduating sloth the morning of exams. Personally, I recommend leaving an offering to the statue of Terry Fox every new semester.

My best piece of advice? Skip the main Burnaby campus altogether and opt for Vancouver classes. The bathrooms there are so nice. Who cares about the transit?

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