By: Carter Hemion, Staff Writer
It’s the second biggest question on everyone’s mind at SFU right after “when will we get a tuition freeze?”: which entity at SFU is your soulmate? SFU’s timeless concrete walls are home to some of the most romantic construction views, with loose tile walkways that inspire even the most cold-hearted students to check their email for Joy Johnson’s lifeless smile. As we wait to return to in-person schooling, find out which SFU entity you should be fantasizing about seeing again.
Question 1: When was the last time you went outside?
A. Last night! I climbed a tree just to screech at a passerby who didn’t see me.
B. Ahaha . . . the better question is when I last went inside.
C. Of my own volition? Or because I had to?
Question 2: What Beedie-branded SFU accessory would you wear?
A. A stolen fanny pack — for snacks.
B. An obnoxiously red scarf that my mom makes me wear all winter (send help).
C. I’m not even sure what Beedie students study. Graphic design? Pyramid schemes? Late-stage capitalism? The psychology behind why Robert Pattinson is the way he is?
Question 3: What would you be caught singing loudly in the shower?
A. “I’m hungry for cheese like Hungry, Hungry Hippo,” from “Ballers” by Project Pat.
B. “There’s a picture on the wall of Kanye West / He’s staring at me, he’s staring at me,” from “Freaking Out” by The Wrecks.
C. “I have never known peace,” from “In a Week” by Hozier.
Question 4: What was your worst first date like?
A. They said we were going to their favourite restaurant, but it was just stale bagels at their place. They put ketchup on theirs. I cried.
B. We went on a walk — which would’ve been fine if he didn’t just keep walking. I lost track of him in Langley, but I hear he’s still out there somewhere.
C. I never wanted to know that she could play “My Heart Will Go On” on the saw, but, uhh, I guess it was cool?
Question 5: What’s your go-to comfort meal?
Literally anything. Yesterday I got sad and ate the spaghetti I’d already spilled in the sink and left there for an hour.
Comfort meals? No, I just vibe.
I’ve packed a PB and J lunch every day for 23 years. I don’t think I could taste anything else if I tried.
Question 6: Would you ever shave your head?
A. I’ll do anything, bro. Don’t even test me. I’ll do it right now. Just watch.
B. I did not go through four tubes of Manic Panic within an hour just to shave off my 2000s-scene-kid hair now.
C. I’m trying to grow my hair back from a buzzcut, but people tell me it’s looked exactly the same for the last four years.
Question 7: What are you secretly doing just off camera in your lectures?
A. Hitting a vape every time my biology professor shortens the word to “bio.”
B. Just standing there. Watching. Waiting.
C. Wait, you had synchronous lectures? With organized professors?
If you answered mostly As . . . your soulmate is the dog-sized raccoon who takes automatic doors into the AQ every night. You, too, can bask under buzzing overhead lights next to an under-watered plant instead of going outside. And besides, the raccoon will never judge you for the dark circles under your eyes or the late nights eating garbage just to get through the term.
If you answered mostly Bs . . . your soulmate is the statue of Terry Fox. This statue will never give you up, let you down, run around and desert you, or, quite frankly, do a single thing. He’s literally a statue. He even has the same cold, dead eyes that Andrew Petter always gave you. What’s not to love?
If you answered mostly Cs . . . your soulmate is the construction worker who has been working on the same part of the AQ for a decade. I’m not even sure what they’re doing anymore, but at this point, I’m too afraid to ask. Making eye contact every Tuesday at Renaissance Coffee is bound to lead to something! Even if they’re not as loud and dirty as their work, they’re probably good with their hands (nudge nudge, wink wink!).