Top Ten things at the SFU Burnaby campus with the highest sex appeal

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Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Juztin Bello, SFU Alumnus

  1. The Saywell staircase

He’s tall. He’s solid. And he’ll have you sweating and panting in seconds. You may hate him because of the strain he puts on your body, but just remember that he puts you through this because he knows he can help you reach new heights and get you from A to B. A guy who puts your body through it (in public, of all places!) but is also there to support you on your journey? Hello, husband material much?

2. Bagpipe players

Next time you’re sitting in class complaining about hearing bagpipes again, remember this: lung capacity and consistently practiced blowing skills. Need I say more? 

3. The Cornerstone Starbucks

While I’m not one to ever call a money grabbing corporation sexy, there’s something about this particular Starbucks that serves up sex in a Starbucks-branded paper bag — fresh from the oven. If you can put your disdain for capitalism aside, just think about this: Starbucks has money. Uh, caution: extremely hot. (And if you’re the hot barista who can never understand my friend through her mask [because she’s too busy trying not to Venti Nitro Cold Brew With Sweet Cream herself] and you’re reading this . . . hi sir.)

4. The 143

Of all the buses you come across, there’s just something about this one in particular that really gets you . . . going. Riding him is short but oh so sweet. He’ll let you tap anytime you need it (with no strings attached). And don’t even get me started on how he has you tugging on him to stop as he takes you to your destination.

5. SFU Health & Counselling

Taking care of your mental health is sexy, yes. But you know what’s sexy in like, a “bad boy mistreating you” kind of way? Someone who neglects you, doesn’t listen to you, lies to you, and only gives you attention when it’s convenient to them. Now that’s that playing hard-to-get sex appeal you can only find here, babes.

6. When the busiest bathrooms in the AQ are closed for cleaning during the busiest hours

For people who are into some S&M, the best place to seek some torture and humiliation is around 1:30 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. when the AQ bathrooms by Renaissance are closed for cleaning — the exact timeframe where you’re rushing across campus and are ready to burst your jeans. Except with the tension between you and the custodian as they usher you away, you’ll be bursting for more than one reason. Don’t worry about getting too riled up and releasing your insides: they definitely have a “slippery when wet” sign on hand.

7. Robert C. Brown Hall

Of all the lecture halls, RCB is definitely the sexiest. I mean, just look at him: he’s got that older, mature vibe to him, he’s big (in all the right ways), and have you seen how many people he can fit inside of him? When classes go back to in person, hopefully you’ll be lucky enough to explore his insides firsthand. Bring some friends, too.

8. You and your TA when you only show up to the first and last tutorial

Between you and your TA, from the moment you lock eyes ‘til the last, there’s something there. And then, like a fleeting moment, it’s gone — just like you will be for the next 11 weeks until the last tutorial before the final. They’ll probably be upset that you abandoned them and returned out of nowhere. But can they blame you? You aren’t tied down to one TA. When you show up to that last tutorial, though, you’ll finally be able to cut that sexual tension with a knife. Well, you could either cut it with a knife, or with the poor review you give them on their TA assessment sheet for giving you a low participation grade. The fuck was up with that?

9. The AQ elevators

Why waste your time (and your sexual prowess) going up the AQ stairs when you can get hot and sweaty in these steamy elevators? They’re so tight and intimate you can practically feel someone touch your uvula from the opposite side (if you’re lucky). And don’t even get me started on the elevator itself. I mean who knows, if you’re lucky this clunky bad boy may just go down on you.

10. The mirrors in the AQ

Do you know why this one is on the list? Because no matter how many times you look at these mirrors, there’s always something sexy looking back.