By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor
INTRO:
It’s Halloween! And you, being the procrastinating piece of shit you are, left a major project due tonight until this morning. With someone in your house dressed as a bootleg Coraline wearing a blue mop head blaring the same three seconds of a Melanie Martinez song for a ~spooky~ TikTok, you opt to work on campus. It’s a Friday night during remote learning. You thought you were alone.
START:
Suddenly, a bang sounds from RCB. You snap your head up as your 450 out of 1,000 words scream at you to not look away. Do you:
A) Continue working. It was probably a psychology TA banging their head against the brick wall. Mood — but also, not my business. (Go to 5)
B) Go and see what the noise was. What’s procrastinating but a staple of my personality at this point? (Go to 6)
─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
- You hurry to the parking lot, heart racing. As you head outside, a dense fog hinders your sight and you stumble. You feel a presence. Just as you remember that you didn’t drive here at all, a haunting wail sounds behind you. You turn around and . . .
It’s your classmate, Steve.
“I didn’t hand in my assignment in time!” he wailed. You check your phone. It’s 12:01 a.m. and you didn’t finish it, either. (End)
~
- You turn back to your laptop and try to refocus. As you type, the discomfort of being watched grows unbearable. You dare to turn back to look down the hallway at the figure . . . but it’s gone.
“Hey there,” a voice whispers suddenly behind you. You yelp and whip your head toward the voice.
“. . . Sorry to bug you, but can you put your mask over your mouth and nose?” asks a security guard with an ill-fitting jacket on. You slide your mask up as your life expectancy from that scare goes down. (End)
~
- You turn left and head down the hallway. Illuminated by the full moon is a large, menacing silhouette. You dare to walk closer until . . .
“Sorry if this wheeled whiteboard thing was loud when it fell over. I’m exhausted. I’ve been doing research all damn week,” a tired TA mumbles to you behind it. Honestly, you just wish you could say the same. (End)
~
- You stand up and slowly head towards the figure. When you get close enough, you’re stopped dead in your tracks.
“Happy Halloween! Sorry, I was waiting for you to leave so I wouldn’t have to be seen in this,” says someone wearing a grimy McFogg the Dog costume. Halloween truly is when the dead come out to play. (End)
~
- You keep typing. As you bullshit another contradictory point, you suddenly get the feeling of being watched. Jesus Joy Johnson. You swear you see someone — something — almost humanoid but disfigured standing in the unlit hallway to your right. Do you:
A) Ignore whoever or whatever it is and work; the only thing scarier than creepy things in a small space is my paradoxical lazy perfectionism. (Go to 2)
B) Get a closer look. What’ll it do, kill me? Oh no, no assignment to do! :(( (Go to 4)
~
- Packing up, you head towards RCB and the noise. It’s bizarre seeing it so dark and empty. You start chuckling to yourself about your cranium also being dark and empty when you’re interrupted by a piercing scratch against the bricks in a hallway to your immediate left. Do you:
A) Turn around and go the fuck home. That’s no TA I want to talk to. Mind you, I don’t even talk to my own TAs when I need help with assignments, so . . . (Go to 1)
B) Examine the source. The only thing I fear is computer science, and that department isn’t even in RCB. (Go to 3)
