Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
VANCOUVER, BC — This morning, an SFU student woke up completely emotionally stable. He had fallen asleep on top of his bed covers at 2:37 a.m., still dressed in his T-shirt, shorts, and favourite pair of American Eagle boxers.
“I don’t really ‘choose’ when I sleep,” said Snow Rinking, a fourth year communication student with a philosophy minor. “I just use my bed as a multipurpose workstation, dining table, and rec room until the desire possesses me like in Jennifer’s Body.”
Rinking reports an incredibly deep, good sleep in which he had no feelings or awareness of anyone or anything, including his own personhood. He was especially proud of himself for not rolling over unconsciously and snapping his open Macbook Air in half.
“I’m like super at peace now,” the communication student explained. “The extra few hours in this outfit have allowed my internalized feelings of alienation and paranoia to finally drain fully into my unethically sourced textiles. Usually it just happens a little bit each day.” Today, reportedly, Rinking has not once stormed away from an innocuous Messenger missive to entertain his misplaced beliefs about what his texting partner is really thinking.
His nicest memory of the experience is waking up at 5:30 am thanks to the chilly open window, and then changing into pyjamas to sleep for another half-hour. He cannot wait to intersperse the other four hours of required sleep throughout his day.
“It’s really exciting. I’m going to be so productive,” he sighed. “Now that this one thing has gone right, I’ll be able to completely revolutionize my life today. I don’t need long-term, sustainable personal growth. I need lots of kiwis for my fridge and to go file my taxes.”
At press time, it was 2 a.m. again. Sadly, a lot can happen in one day and all of Rinking’s emotional progress has been undone!