Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

PORT MOODY, BC — On Saturday, Walter Tangke, a sociology major at SFU, decided to take a moment to check on his favourite public washroom over text message.

“Miss ur porcelain [sic],” he typed. “Ur invisible toilet paper. being able to shower the seats without being the one to sit in it later.”

Tangke has not seen his favourite washroom in months, given its location on Burnaby Mountain. Its best qualities include its janky tap, which used to give his critical thinking skills a much needed workout, along with its cracked mirror, which prevented him from having to ever confront himself physically or emotionally. He especially loved drying his hands on each stall’s heartwarming permanent-marker cartoons about communism and the Pusheen cat. 

Tangke is excited that British Columbia has finally moved into Phase 2 of restarting the province.

“Just really gotta stop by a few other places first,” he explained. “My favourite booth at Cactus Club, my favourite power outlet at the mall. But I swear I’m gonna hit up my OG room soon.”

Tangke noted that their friendship was “tumultuous,” with the washroom often giving him the cold shoulder, or as he put it, the cold seat. They had remained in each other’s thoughts throughout quarantine, though, with Tangke often flashing back to their 15-minute dissociation sessions together as he sat bored on the toilet. 

Tangke’s text to the washroom comes after 10 years of promising to organize his middle-school reunion.