Written by Lubaba Mahmud, Staff Writer
As we ALL totally know for a fact, each SFU library has an entire restricted section of dark magical grimoires, full of evil spells you can use to make your time in SFU a little more spooky and a lot more convenient.
To enter W.A.C. Bennett Library’s restricted section, find the 13 table on the northwest side of the fourth floor. Then, circle your left hand counterclockwise five times while chanting, “Nous sommes prêts.” If the magical guard deems you worthy, you’ll have access to the restricted section.
Below is a reading list to guide you on your dark conquest of an SFU degree.
Jinxes for the Jinxed GPA by Mary Topper
Designed for students with a cursed GPA, Jinxes for the Jinxed GPA will help you transfer your misfortunes from your coursework to your professors. My personal favorite jinx? Personalita Oversharus, cast to make a prof “forget” about the midterm they’re supposed to administer that day.
“My GPA rose from -0.5 to 3.7, all thanks to this book!”
— Charles Bohr, fourth year engineering student
Navigation Wizardry by Anila Whiz
Finding your way through SFU is notoriously hard. In Navigation Wizardry, Anila Whiz truly captures the daily struggles of navigating our campuses through her powerful obstacle-clearing curses. Her recommended solution for cramped hallways and insane foot traffic? Bewitching the students to fly off in different directions!
— You, parting the student sea
Spells for the Modern yet Faulty Teleportation: Transfiguring TransLink by Henry Trainy
If you’ve ever lost your chance at a seat on the bus or had the doors slammed in your face due to overcrowding, Transfiguring TransLink is the read for you. Yes, most of the spells are plagiarized from the Harry Potter children’s novels, but who are you to judge, Muggle? The book’s breakout charm is, of course, the Engorgement Charm, meant not only to increase the size of your stuffed bus but also to startle and frighten Susan, who’s sitting on the outside seat of a two-seat row while everyone around her is standing, with your immense magical power.
“WARNING: Just like TransLink’s buses, these spells aren’t always reliable.”
— “Foreword,” Spells for the Modern yet Faulty Teleportation: Transfiguring TransLink
Saucy Sorcery To Survive Tutorials by T. A. Sullivan
Saucy Sorcery may perhaps be one of the most inspired, needed books on this list. Mutus Idiotas will silence that annoying girl in tutorial who who has nothing important to add yet keeps rambling. Togobaccus To-yer Pointus will assist you if the TA calls on you on a day you haven’t done the readings. If all goes wrong and you find that you will not, in fact, survive your tutorial, cast Unlockus The Krakus to unlock doors or windows and escape! (Think twice about coming back the next week, though . . . magic can only do so much.)
“Oh, the things we endure, the depths of corruption to which we sink, to get that 15% participation grade . . .”
— Gretchen Gale, second year sociology student
Magical, Optical, Psychological Illusions for SFYOU by Madam Hipnus
Spells like Coloris Concretas make an illusion so that it would seem like the campus finally has some colour on the walls! Or you can cast a hex of self-delusion where the professor’s lecture actually makes sense for once (though let’s be honest — you can sell yourself that lie with or without mind magic . . .)
“The bonus invisibility spell on the back cover saved my life . . . It helped me disappear into the fog before Beedie kids could stop me to sell me their merch.”
— Misty Lee Dodger, third year kinesiology student