By: Alannah Wallace, Peak Associate
University is hard. Why put in the time studying when you PAY to be here. Don’t worry, I have done some research and found a few foolproof ways for you to cheat on those pesky exams.
Friendship
If you can plan at least one semester ahead, find out who TAs the hardest course you will be taking. Discover where they reside and “accidentally” bump into them. From there, infiltrate their life. Become their best friend.
Then, you’re going to need to hire an actor. One day, while you two are walking along the street, the actor will run up to your TA, point a gun at them, and demand that they hand over their wallet. Cue fake battle in the middle of the street. Roundhouse kick the (toy) gun out of the robber’s hands. The gun will spin through the air and land in your hand. “Not today buddy, back off of my best friend, or else!” The robber flees the scene, and you are left as the hero.
Another actor you have hired who has been observing the scene exclaims to your TA, “Wow, that was amazing! You owe them your life!” Your TA is so thankful that they don’t even open your exam on test day. Instead, they write A+ in large letters on the front of your test.
Composter
Plant scrap pieces of kitchen waste around the exam room. On the bottom side of these vegetable peels, write down any information you need to remember. Get up to ask if you can go to the bathroom during the exam and on your way, pick up a piece of garbage. Make a facial expression that says, “Why is this here, I guess I will slightly inspect this object and then throw it out!” while getting a good glance at the information. The best part is, the scraps will biodegrade naturally, ensuring you won’t get caught.
Bionic Bee+
Alright, this one gets a bit techy, so listen up. You’ll train a bee to fly around the exam room and look at exams for you while wearing a microscopic GoPro. You will need to hook up the GoPro to a pair of glasses that you will wear. When you tap a button on the glasses, you can see what the GoPro is filming inside your lenses.
While you are writing the exam, release the bee. As the bee examines the tests of your peers, keep note of their answers by watching the screen on your lenses. You may want to take a Gravol in advance; the footage will be a bit shaky!
Black Mirror in the AQ
Clone yourself and teach your clone to care about studying. (That will be the hardest part) The cloning process is simple enough: take a cell from anywhere on the body, separate out the nucleus, place it within an egg that has had its own DNA removed, find a surrogate, and voila! The technology on how to do this is not fully developed, and the internet says it may take hundreds of failed surrogates, pregnancies, and births to make it happen, but it’s better than studying!
Once you have your clone, make sure you keep them hidden so no one will suspect a thing when you send them out into the real world as yourself. While they are being hidden for months and years at a time, give them books and cognitive training games. Feed them mounds of vegetables and other super foods and play them only classical music. You will create such a genius that your course material will be no problem for them.
Dress them up in your clothes and drop them off at your exam while you head off to the mountains for a ski day. Just make sure they don’t talk too much to anyone; apparently, clones are always a bit “off.”
