Rose Blossom is no ordinary girl. By day, she works at her local stuffed animal hospital. By night, her body transforms into a fully functioning rocket ship and she travels the galaxies.
When her engine gets rusty on a trip around the Chocolate-Milky Way, Rose Blossom crashes on the dangerous planet of Squeesh and must fight for her life. With her trusty sidekick, Fred, a cowardly vampire-bear by her side, Rose Blossom is captured by a local gang of lizard people, and she must try to trick them into fixing her engine so she can escape Squeesh . . . but she never expected one of the lizard men to fix her heart along the way.
With Rose Blossom’s choice of her heart or her engine ahead of her, she sets off across the planet to find the psychic mole-rats to aid in her decision and accidently lands herself in a political conspiracy. Thank goodness for her specialized training in throwing bowler hats! Using her FBI summer camp training, Rose Blossom helps the psychic mole-rats bring down their evil overlord, who curses her as he dies so that she may never leave planet Squeesh.
With her hopes of getting home dashed, Rose Blossom sneaks back into the lizard lair to free Fred and finally confront her feelings for her captor only to find the entire population turned into vampire lizards. The new king, Fred, still upset with Rose Blossom for leaving him in captivity to go on a soul journey, curses her to never set foot on Squeesh again. With her engine repaired, Rose Blossom takes to the skies with a broken heart, forced to fly in the atmosphere, never leaving and never returning, for eternity.
The book the critics are calling “the most confusing piece of ‘literature’ I have ever read” and “the reason I can no longer take commercial flights,” The Secret Lizard Love Affair is a tale of space adventures, love, and lizards in an action-packed 666 pages.
