How to name your baby like a celebrity

By: Victoria Lopatka and Eva Zhu

If you’ve ever been on E!, TMZ, or a celebrity’s Instagram, and immediately thought “what the fuck” at their children’s names, you’re not alone. Below, we have researched the dumb nouns celebrities name their children and compiled a list of possible reasons for their nonsensical thinking.

Victoria:

1. Pick a name inspired by your childhood email address. For example, mine was [email protected], which provides unique names such as “September”, “Girl”, “Zero”, and “Dot Com.” If you’re thinking to yourself, “Dot Com isn’t a real name,” then may I remind you that rapper Chief Keef named his son Sno FilmOn Dot Com Cozart.
2. Name your child after a My Little Pony character or a Powerpuff Girl. Names inspired by these classic cartoons will surely be sweet, sugary, and cute. In fact, Jamie Oliver and his wife, Jools, named their daughters Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, and Petal Blossom Rainbow. Don’t those names just ooze sunshine and happiness? What could be better for your little bundle of joy?
3. Name your child after some good qualities you’d like them to possess. Who doesn’t want their child to have amazing qualities, like intelligence, beauty, and determination? Jessica Alba did just that, naming her child Honor.
4. Name your child after yourself. Future named his child “Future” and Usher named his child “Usher,” so why can’t you name your child after yourself? I’m not even going to get into how they themselves got those names in the first place.  
5. Pick a noun or an adjective you like, and then change one of the letters to make it more unique. For example, “Stormy” is a cool adjective, but that “y” isn’t very stylish. “Stormi” on the other hand, is cool. Another good example is “Cash”. Everyone loves money, but replacing the C with a K is better, making it “Kash”. You wouldn’t want Microsoft Word to acknowledge your child’s name as an actual word, would you?
6. Pick a letter of the alphabet and name all your children (and even your grandchildren!) names starting with that letter. For example: Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie.
7. Give your child a superhero name. All it takes for someone to become a superhero is their parents to die, a cool superhero name, and superpowers. You can help your child out with one (well, actually, two, I guess…) of those, by giving them a cool superhero name! Take inspiration from Penn Jillette, who named his child Moxie Crimefighter.

Eva:

1. When you’re racking your brain and just can’t come up with a name that won’t cause your child misery, name them after your favourite fruit! Your future offspring won’t be able to tell if you’re calling them to dinner or if you just really want a healthy and sweet snack. Dear person reading this: if you think I’m being ridiculous, then look no further than Chris Martin of Coldplay and Gwyneth “I inject coffee into my butt” Paltrow. They named their daughter Apple.

2. Have you ever felt so inspired and in love with the city you’re living in that you name your kid after it? Yeah, me neither. But if it does inspire you, you can always name your kid after it like Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy sucks now, by the way) and Ashlee Simpson. They named their son Bronx. But wait, neither of them lived in New York! I mean, nothing like two country hicks naming their kid after the place they wish they lived in, am I right?

4. If you’re like me, and have given up on your hopes and dreams, I’m sorry. On the plus side, you can name your child after your dreams and have that immense pressure placed on them from birth. You can also be Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna, who took that literally and named their daughter Dream. Rob, I understand that you’re feeling salty from being overshadowed by your sisters, but come on, don’t do this to your kid.
5. Do you have trouble remembering what day of the week it is? Have you ever gone to school on the weekend thinking it was Friday? If you answered “yes” to the above and you’re afraid of passing on the same forgetful gene to your child, name them a day of the week! It’ll be the easiest naming picking process ever, as there are only seven to choose from. Just keep listing them until your partner’s facial expression changes from one of disgust to delight. Clearly, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban had this train of thought, since they named their daughter Sunday. Oh god, her last name is Urban, which makes her full name sounds like a cocktail bar for middle-aged soccer moms.