By: Alex Bloom, Gabrielle McLaren, Aaron Richardson
UK bans Danish imports in response to late 8th century Viking raids
The island nation passed sanctions on the “Viking homeland,” as secretary of state for foreign affairs Boris Johnson put it, “until Denmark returns all the gold they stole.” When Danish government officials pointed out that there was no such thing as England at the time, Johnson went beet red, and had to be restrained as he shouted, “I know you have the gold!” – AB
Italy bans Mongolian exports to avoid a repeat of the plague at the Siege of Kaffa (1346)
Where were you when you realised that it was Mongolian warriors catapulting their fallen brothers-in-arms’ infected corpses into the ranks of Roman legionnaires that kick-started the Black Death’s intrusion into Europe? 1346 may seem like a long time ago, but the devastation brought on by the Black Death can still be felt in prospering Western Europe today.
“This is to show the Mongol Empire that we Romans do not forget,” Italian trade minister Marcus Aurelius Caesar pointed out. “Rome will not be defeated again!” – GM
Russia annexes EU as “recompense” for Napoleon’s invasion
The world power launched a full-scale invasion of the rest of Europe, capturing it overnight, despite France vetoing the mission when it was proposed to the security council.
When asked why, Russian President Vladimir Putin stated “we have launched a . . . minor military operation . . . as recompense for the inconvenience caused by Napoleon’s invasion of our country in 1812 . . .” He went on to say, “Yes, we took Paris two years later, but being forced to launch our own counter-offensive only further inconvenienced the Russian people. We demand compensation.”
Several European nations have called on the UN and NATO to intervene, but Russia and the UK have vetoed all such appeals. – AB
Transylvania de-annexes itself from Romania, claiming spoils from the First World War no longer valid
“We honestly thought they wouldn’t notice,” the underground leaders of Transylvania said, shrugging. “I mean, the First World War was so long ago. Does anybody even remember the Austro-Hungarian Empire? No. So why does a secret treaty they signed with the Entente Powers even matter anymore? I mean, even the British Empire was valid back then. That’s how long ago it was. This can’t possibly still be valid.”
The newly elected prime minister of Transylvania shrugged off concerns about Transylvania’s new socio-economic reality. “Ever since Twilight came out, we’ve been debating jumping on the whole vampire bandwagon and making it on our own. This feels right.” – GM
United States declares itself a national security threat due to its involvement in the American Civil War
As our history books tell us, there has been no greater loss of American lives in history than during the American Civil War, and the United States was the sole perpetrator. The American government acknowledges the threat that this radical nation poses to its people, and has labelled the United States as a national security threat in hopes of pre-emptively curbing any future dangers that may arise.
With no foreign involvement, the United States took over 600,000 American lives — which is more American lives lost than in any other military endeavour since. At this time, the United States is perhaps more divided than it has been since the civil war, and the American government does not wish for a repeat of that historical period. – AR