It seems the moment after you graduate high school, you begin to catch wind of friends who have tied the knot. I would be lying if I told you that I’ve never dreamt of my ‘big day.’ The dress, the flowers, the cheesy home videos on a loop — for some, it’s a dream come true.
At the same time, I know that a trip down the aisle won’t guarantee me happiness, nor will it make parenthood any easier. So why do we still assume that all good relationships have to end in marriage?
There has been a major shift in the attitudes of Canadians towards marriage over the past 30 years. As Statistics Canada reports, the number of common-law couples has nearly quadrupled, and premarital cohabitation has, by and large, become the norm.
Yet couples who have vowed to never marry are still met with disbelief by many. Though the norms have changed, the expectation is still that if two people love each other, they ought to tie the knot sooner or later.
Why do we still assume that all good relationships have to end in marriage?
Marriage is a legal contract between two people that signifies both commitment and unity — but getting hitched isn’t the only way to express these sentiments. Some couples are satisfied with demonstrating their fondness for one another by helping out with chores around the house or giving a backrub at the end of a long day, not inviting hundreds of people to a church to watch them pledge eternal love to one another.
In this day and age, marriage shouldn’t be considered a prerequisite for love and monogamy. But stereotypes over common-law unions and other alternatives to marriage are still prevalent in society: expect to hear terms such as ‘flaky,’ ‘naïve,’ and ‘unfaithful’ when bringing up unmarried couples and polyamorous relationships.
Deciding not to marry is just that — a decision. It isn’t in any way indicative of a couple’s loyalty or love for one another; if anything, it’s indicative of a need for confidence and security. Many couples who live together with no intent of marriage don’t feel that they need an institution to validate their level of commitment or feeling for one another.
If a couple doesn’t share the same last name, it does not imply they don’t share property, children, and a life. If they don’t have a certificate, it doesn’t mean they don’t intend to be together for the rest of their lives. Not all good and happy relationships need to end in marriage to be considered successful — and not all marriages are built on positive relationships, for that matter.
Those in favour of marriage usually argue that weddings are rituals or rites of passage that have religious or ancestral traditions woven in. But marriage hasn’t always been pretty. The legal contract mentioned above was originally an agreement between the father of the bride and the groom — the ring was used to symbolize possession of the bride, not exactly the most romantic gesture. With the messy, patriarchal history of marriage in mind, it’s not hard to see why many modern couples opt out.
However, those who do will find the law has yet to recognize the equality of marriage and its alternatives in Canada. Each province has a distinct set of criteria and different benefit systems worked out for unmarried, long-term partners, making consistency a marital perk. Once a couple is married, no provincial government doubts the validity of their relationship — but with common-law unions, it isn’t so simple.
Some provinces, such as the Yukon, only require permanent cohabitation while others, such as Newfoundland, require one year of cohabitation and a shared child. The lack of legal consistency indicates that there’s plenty of work to be done to put different unions on the same level.
Unmarried, cohabitating couples also tend to be seen as less likely to succeed in the ‘real world.’ For nearly 20 years, the National Marriage Project in the United States has been releasing studies that suggest that unmarried couples are more likely to suffer from depression and raise children in poverty. But I am hesitant to believe that if couples suffering from financial woes were to tie the knot, all their problems would disappear.
These studies are inherently misleading: they push variables such as education and age to the back burner, while letting marital status drive the results. Like the anti-gay marriage pundits who argue that the institution of marriage is under threat, these studies don’t just ring false; they’re designed to attack anything and anyone that doesn’t conform to the expectation of a traditional marriage, something that’s becoming less and less common with every generation.
Marriage doesn’t have the capacity to make couples richer or happier — a trip to the altar won’t save your relationship, and it won’t make it worse, either. Our culture and society attribute plenty of meaning to marriage, but it’s ultimately what you make it, and no two are the same.
More than ever before, our generation tends to cohabitate before marriage and experiment with premarital sex. As we continue to break the norms, the idea that marriage is needed to validate a good relationship should fall to the wayside. Couples that choose to show their devotion in new and different ways shouldn’t be subject to criticism or prejudice.
There is no one way to love. The sooner we learn that, the better.
