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Rapper rumoured to have penned new album in which he discusses his superior merits

NEW YORK — Exciting news emerged last weekend as an iMessage leak revealed information on the subject matter of a popular gangsta-rapper’s not-yet-released album. According to sources at The Peak, the new songs carefully describe ways in which the artist is superior to his rivals.

Early reports have also mentioned that the police and the recording industry may also have been said to be deficient in a comparative standing to the artist.

While the news of the braggadocio has been confirmed, the exact qualities the artist will boast about are still in question. Over half of the boastings are rumoured to be related to the confidence the rapper has in his superior ability to rap.

Beyond this, many are speculating that the qualities could be as wide-ranging as his extraordinary accumulation of wealth to how many women were interested in participating in sexual intercourse with him. Experts say the song’s title, [sic] ‘paPUh FLOodd’ is an allusion to the numerous banknotes that the artist has in his possession.

The sexual exploits of the rapper have drawn the most interest from those anticipating the release. An excited fan told The Peak “Well, in one of his last albums we found out that ‘[his] bitch sucked [his] dick on [his] fucking private jet’*, so it’ll be fascinating to get an update on their lifestyle.”

The fan also elaborated on the possible evolution of the rapper’s motifs. Speculating that it is very likely the artist will bring some incredibly groundbreaking improvements to the industry. “That’s this guy’s thing, man, he changes the whole game up — every, single, time.“

He concluded by posturing that the artist may mention which kind of private jet he receives fellatio on, as well as the altitude of the plane or planes on which said fellatio occurred.

When reached for a comment, the rapper only responded with the message ‘4eva’ which was sent to the press in the form of a diamond-encrusted, four-finger ring.

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SFU employee spills the tea about her embezzlement-obsessed colleague

By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Investigator The following is a satirical and fictional commentary.  Oh boy, do we have some juicy tea for you. Have you ever wanted to say, “Fuck the system!” and chug some milk while your boss has his back turned? Way to go, you sabotaging legend. But what if I told you an SFU employee stole $200,000 from the university to fund a luxury vacation to the Pochonos? How would you feel then?  An SFU employee, Jane Doe, has allegedly done just that. The Peak spoke to a staff member of the academic and administrative services office to learn more.  We will refer to the staff member as Madge to protect her identity. Madge volunteered information to the publication when a member of The Peak...

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SFU employee spills the tea about her embezzlement-obsessed colleague

By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Investigator The following is a satirical and fictional commentary.  Oh boy, do we have some juicy tea for you. Have you ever wanted to say, “Fuck the system!” and chug some milk while your boss has his back turned? Way to go, you sabotaging legend. But what if I told you an SFU employee stole $200,000 from the university to fund a luxury vacation to the Pochonos? How would you feel then?  An SFU employee, Jane Doe, has allegedly done just that. The Peak spoke to a staff member of the academic and administrative services office to learn more.  We will refer to the staff member as Madge to protect her identity. Madge volunteered information to the publication when a member of The Peak...

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SFU employee spills the tea about her embezzlement-obsessed colleague

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