Vegan hospitalized after potential ingestion of trace amounts of egg

VANCOUVER — A distraught vegan was submitted to Vancouver General Hospital last week claiming to be “tainted.”

Zach Whitney, a 27-year-old vegan man, checked himself into the hospital Saturday at approximately 3pm, telling emergency staff that he had ingested some vegetarian nut burgers which he later found out may or may not have contained trace amounts of egg.

“I’ve failed! I’ve failed! I am not worthy. I am no longer… vegan,” Whitney reportedly cried out repeatedly upon his arrival at the hospital before eventually curling up in the corner and rocking gently back and forth.

Distraught, Whitney would not leave the premises until he was “cured” and repeatedly asked hospital staff to pump his stomach. After hospital staff refused he then attempted to drink a bottle of bleach to induce vomiting.

This led to doctors having to wrestle the bottle away from him before hospital security escorted him off the premises.

Multiple sources confirmed Whitney then spent the rest of the day shuffling up and down the street mumbling, “who am I?”

“The man showed no signs of having been poisoned,”explained Dr. Jeremy Lai, who witnessed the incident.  “In fact, he was in perfect health but he kept on screaming, ‘I’m dying, I’m dying’ and asking me to pump his stomach.”

“It was a long day,” Dr. Lai continued shaking his head, “I’m just glad its over.”