Canucks hope to offset weak win record using with horrific science
By Gary Lim
Photos by Mark Burnham
VANCOUVER — The world of hockey may never be the same again after last week, during Sunday’s home game against the Dallas Stars, when Henrik and Daniel Sedin made an unannounced return after a suspicious nine-game absence.
The twins, who according to the official statement have been seeking “treatment for chronic back pain resulting from an old hockey injury,” reappeared last Sunday with a clean bill of health to the surprise of fans everywhere. Surprise that soon turned into confusion and then outright terror, as Daniel and Henrik turned out to be anything but Daniel and Henrik, now stepping out onto the ice as Danrik, the league’s first conjoined player.
Following a dominant 5–2 victory against the Stars, team owner Francesco Aquilini and Danrik spoke to the reporters that hadn’t immediately fled Roger’s arena in shrieking abject terror.
“The Canucks have always been a great team, but it’s becoming steadily apparently that greatness isn’t enough. We need to be bold. Plus the fact that it gets us an extra man on the ice without breaking any formal NHL rules doesn’t hurt either,” said Aquilini.
Indeed the 2013 rule book, though thorough enough include a subsection on positions available to a teenwolf (Centre, Right Winger), lacks any by-laws or stipulations differentiating conjoined teammates as separate players. Sources indicate that Dallas team owner Tom Gaglardi is attempting to get the win stricken under section 133.1, regarding the maximum amount of ice time givable to any “abomination, horror, or crime against God” in a regulation game.
When the floor was finally opened for questioning, Danrik’s two heads voiced his feelings on the career transition in perfect unison.
“Danrik believes this to be step forward in his career. Every year, the players get younger and younger and Danrik is just another year closer to his jersey hanging in rafters. Now Danrik has a competitive advantage, is stronger and faster than rookies. Danrik is stronger and faster than everyone. The doctors told Danrik that the involuntary self-reference in third-person should go away with time.”
The numbers don’t lie; by surgically grafting of one Sedin twin to another, The Canucks have created the league’s highest scoring current player, with 1,051 career assists and 466 career points.
Retaking the floor, Aquilini closed by saying, “This is the future of hockey. Although complications were expected, namely because Henrik is center and Daniel plays left wing, we were able to make it work, once and for all proving that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts,” referring to Danrik’s three assisted goals and two blocked shots on net.
As of press time, there are reports from the Atlantic Division that the New Jersey Devils’ entire defensive line, consisting of Matt Corrente, Mark Fayne, Andy Greene, Mark Harrold, Adam Larsson, Bryce Salvador, Henrik Tallinder, Anton Volchenkov and Dainius Zubrus, has been surgically fused into a large chimera creature.
