By Colin Sharp
Layout by April Alayon
Photos by Mark Burnham
Power. You know you want it. And what greater power is there than being the commander in chief of a country? I mean, aside from being the CEO of the oil company that actually runs the country. Yeah, it sounds pretty great if you ignore that other option, right? And you want to know what’s even better than running a country? Running the greatest country in the history of the god damned world: America. For she is beautiful, and she is mighty in her glory. America. Freedom. America. Eagle. America. Flag. America. America.
Leading a country is a daunting task, but before you worry about that, you need to think about winning an election. This is where I come in. If you want to become the next president of the United States of America you’re going to need the watchful eye of Sir Colin Anthony Sharp, Esquire, a man that once ran a joke campaign for SFSS President and then dropped out because everyone thought he was actually going to win. Expertise, guys. I’ve got it in spades. Now let’s get patriotic as shit. And the rocket’s red glaaaaare, the bombs bursting in aaaaiiiir . . . .
1. Money. You’re going to need a lot of money.
My editor told me I should clear this up right away. Apparently not all of you are rich, and since I’m the independently wealthy Colin Sharp and the “target demographic” for this “student” newspaper lacks my “endless cashflow,” then by ignoring your finances I’m being a “pompous douche.” Well you know what, Gary? I’m prepared to shove hundred dollar bills down your throat until you can no longer make noises from your face. The 100 dollar bills smell like maple now, so I’ll just pair it with a nice pancake breakfast. And it’s not like these potential candidates need that much money. If you don’t have a spare $700 million in the bank, just liquidate a few assets; that’s just barely a third of the average yacht fleet, it’s not that hard. I’m here to give you advice on how to become the president, not to help the poor.
2. Be a god damned novelty.
In 2008 it was enough to be a black guy. People thought that was pretty nutty. It’s 2012 now, and we’ve had four years of a black guy so you need to be legit crazy now. I guess what I’m saying is, why not be a fucking Mormon? Mitt has his shit together, but let’s take it a step farther: become a scientologist. The general public is ready for this. After all, it’s been 12 years since Battlefield Earth.
3. Transportation is key.
John McCain thought he had this nailed back in 2000. He wanted to be president so he went and bought himself a bus. Then he dubbed it “The Straight Talk Express.” He couldn’t even get his own party to vote him in. Then the idiot brought it back in 2008, and he would’ve done even worse if it wasn’t for the novelty of that unintelligent lady he brought along. What’s the lesson here? Buses are stupid. Buy a plane. The president flies on a plane, you fly on a plane, you are the president. It’s a simple transitive property.
4. Have someone script literally everything you say.
If you go off book you’re going to screw up. Guaranteed. Even if you didn’t screw up, Fox News is going to say you screwed up. And if Fox News doesn’t think you screwed up, then you almost certainly screwed up.
5. Get more votes than the other candidates.
My advisors tell me that if you want to win you need more votes than the other candidates and that this is because of something called “math.” Your guess is as good as mine as to how the intricacies of this system work, but apparently this math thing is all we have right now. When you’re president, you should direct some funding towards working on an alternative.
Alright folks, quick recap. In order to get more votes than the other guys you’re going to want to be rich, you’re going to want to be a scientologist, you’re going to want to fly a plane, and you’re going to need someone scripting everything you say. You essentially need to be John Travolta. This will definitely work, unless John Travolta himself runs for office. You know, because he already has all of that going for him, and he would get the sympathy votes because his kid Jet (also a kind of plane!) died.
Alright. I tried to overlook this but it’s just too incredible to risk not explicitly mentioning it. Are you as impressed as I am that I called a section “be a god damned novelty” and then talked about religion. “God damn.” Religion. I mean, can you even begin to understand how funny this is? Screw the United States, I should be the president of laughs.
