By Liam Britten (Necro-economicist)
Bank rules out Leprechaun-related hijinks causes for demonic happenings
After weeks of speculation and nervous hand-wringing by economists and psychics across the country, Bank of Canada president Mark Carney took the unprecedented step of declaring the nation’s economy to be officially haunted.
“We at the Bank of Canada have done everything in our power to avoid this.” he told assembled reporters yesterday. “We have adjusted interest rates, the monetary supply, even consulted the ghost of American nobel prize in economics winner, Milton Friedman. Yet despite our best efforts of our shamans, the economy remains truly, deeply haunted.”
Analysts are undecided on why the economy is possessed by evil spirits. Some are arguing that increased trade with China has angered the eldrich beings whose magic makes the market somehow work. Others have suggested that it may be the ghost of Pierre Trudeau, who has risen to piss off Alberta one last time. A sizeable number of experts believe that entirity of Canada being built over an Indian graveyard built ontop of an ancient Indian graveyard may have something to do with it.
Carney has said that the cause may never be discovered.
“Believe me, we’ve had our best economists on the Ouija Board round the clock, and it still remains a mystery to us,” he said.
While the cause is unclear, the effects are all-too-apparent. The unemployment rate for all job sectors, excluding morticians, gravediggers and wicked witches has risen to 100 per cent. Tellers at all major banks and credit unions have been replaced by creepy white-eyed children eerily singing nursery rhymes. Worst of all, the deceased prime ministers on banknotes are reportedly reanimating and attacking those carrying cash.
“I had a 10 [dollar bill] in my pocket, and this tiny John A. MacDonald popped out of the freakin’ paper!” victim Rob Wiltshire told The Peak. “Worse, the son of a bitch went into my liquor cabinet and drank all my scotch!”
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“Believe me, we’ve had our best economists on the Ouija Board round the clock, and it still remains a mystery to us,” he said.
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By declaring the economy haunted, Canada is now obligated to follow a Structural Adjustment Plan (SAP) dictated by the World Bank and International Monetary Fund, which is designed to get the nation’s economy back on track. The terms of the SAP were announced at a press conference by World Bank envoy for Canada, Count Vladimir von Ghoul, in a press conference early this morning.
“Canada must lower the price on blood . . . sweet, sweet blood and raise garlic taxes to combat inflation,” the Count said, cackling ominously. “Also, they should be forced to privatize all food inspection services. Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
The Count was unable to take any futher questions from reporters, as the sun was beginning to rise.
