By Will Ross
BURNABY — In a shocking and controversial proclamation, my girlfriend of two years, Beverly Mandel, has announced that the viewing of pornography during a relationship is tantamount to cheating. The decree was made following an unfortunate episode involving her laptop and German fetish porn; the SFU student broke down crying and screamed, “I can’t believe you’re cheating on me!”
The statement has since sent shockwaves through my circle of friends. When asked by The Peak if I was the only one who thought this was stupid, dating expert Dirk Shanley responded, “No, dude, that’s crazy. She’s a business student; they’re control freaks.” After taking another hit from the bong, Shanley enigmatically added, “It seems like it’s none of her . . . business!” which has baffled — oh, wait, I just got it.
The declaration is the latest in a series of controversies over Mandel’s seemingly non-existent sex drive. She has consistently agreed to intercourse only two or three times a month, and so far only once in June, leading to numerous Google searches for Deutsch purzelbaum unzucht.
Mandel has taken a notoriously contrarian perspective on such matters. “It’s like every night you’re with these other girls who don’t even really care about you,” she said, referring to colour-changing pixel grids as “girls.” Addressing allegations she cheated with her ex-boyfriend Bobby Fullerton, she claimed, “We didn’t do anything! He was passing through town and didn’t have anywhere to stay. You know how close we are.”
However, investigation of Mandel’s ongoing relationship with Fullerton has produced startling results. Using Mandel’s Gmail address and password, The Peak discovered an intensely personal email correspondence between the “exes,” with an average of 1.8 emails exchanged every day.
When confronted with this hard data, Mandel was vehemently defensive. “I don’t have to tell you anything about who I’m emailing! It’s not like you ever want to talk to me, anyway. All you want is sex. I can’t believe you did that!” Mandel ended the interview by yelling “Why don’t you go tell your new girlfriends about it!” and forcibly ejecting The Peak from her apartment. We are still conferring with our lawyers on whether this constituted assault.
The Peak has tried to ascertain whether or not Mandel is from the 1950s or something, but she has not responded to texts and phone calls requesting further interviews.
