Aries (March 21 – April 20)

The stars have no idea where those 10 bucks went? What you do mean you don’t believe them? Are you calling the stars a liar?

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Sometimes death is meaningful, profound. Sometimes, you’re crushed to death by afalling jet turbine.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Looks like today’s going to be a real ‘gem’ of a day. (Submitted by Will Ross)

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Vague cosmological forces will cause a vending machine to eat your money this week because to be frank, the universe thinks you could stand to lose a few.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Looks like Venus is in your sign this week. I mean you specifically asked the waiter for no Venus, and made sure he circled it. But whatever.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

Good news!  That skittering noise in your walls isn’t raccoons. Just ghosts. The ghosts of dead raccoons

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

Money will once again slip out of your hands, as you continue to refuse to stop buttering your palms.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

You unhealthy obsession with cats will reach a tipping point, when you begin sectioning off your apartment into cat counties.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

The stars don’t have anything to say to you. Not after the ‘quasar’

incident last Thursday.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Awkwardness will ensue, when you can’t decide which family to spend Sunday with, your regular or your secret one.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

Ooh, yikes. You know what, you might just want to get back in to bed. Just ride this week out under the covers.

Pieces (February 20 – March 20)

This week all Pieces will be forced into a global battle-royal for amusement of the astrological signs.