Satire
Nuclear missile codes leaked in botched nude celebrity photo hack attempt
September 8, 2014Inspired by last week’s infamous leaked photos of dozens of Hollywood’s top actresses, a new hack attempt of Google Drive almost caused further damage; fortunately, all that was compromised were the US’ top-secret nuclear launch codes. The unknown Google Drive hacker initially reported on Saturday that he would be selling naked pictures of all sorts of big-time celebrities — from the likes of Angelina Jolie to Emma Watson — a ploy which ultimately failed, thanks to speedy action from the US Department of Defense (DoD). “We sprang into action as soon as we heard about a potential hacking,” explained Dan…
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Male teen confused by girl who actually came over to just watch a movie
September 8, 2014A Coquitlam teen has been left frustrated and confused after his crush agreed to watch a movie at his place, then proceeded to not make out with him. “It doesn’t make any sense,” Derek Tanner told The Peak, immediately following…
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Previously home-schooled student shocks new classmates by being totally normal
September 2, 2014Students of Mrs. Jamieson’s Grade Seven class were shocked to learn that the new girl, Susan Barns, who was once described by her classmates as “perfectly normal,” had in fact been home-schooled for most of her young life. Barns, 12,…
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Solo Cup of lukewarm tap water declared most powerful sanitizing agent in the world
September 2, 2014In a move that could very well change the way in which humans deal with sanitation and sterilization, attendees of a Tight and Bright party last week have discovered the most efficient, fast-acting way of killing nearly every trace of…
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