Marissa Ouyang
Horoscopes July 24 – 30
July 25, 2023Aries Thwip! Welcome to your Spiderverse era. Just like Miles, prepare to battle your parallel universe counterparts (AKA your inner demons) who are much cooler and more successful than you are. The alternate universe where you took up a career in the medical field that your mom always wanted you to pursue? Wham! Kapow! The alternate universe where you married Momo from TWICE? Bam! This week, put all those “what-if” scenarios to the test. Taurus Embrace your inner superhero, The Flash, by making lightning-fast decisions that you probably needed to sit on longer) and sprint head first into friend group…
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Horoscopes July 10 – 16
July 10, 2023Aries: You, my friend, are going to have a dream about a flawed ostrich that knows how to fly. It insists on teaching fellow ostriches about the magic of flight, but it’s not working. The dream will end with your…
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Horoscopes June 26 – July 2
June 27, 2023Aries To all of y’all Aries who get onto buses from the Transportation Centre near the stairs and piano, y’all really need to start taking advantage of the Transit Exchange near Blusson Hall so you can get first dibs on…
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Horoscopes May 29–June 4
June 1, 2023Aries: Like a true fire sign, you will burn if you do not forward this message to everyone on your contacts list. As in, you will get a sunburn with embarrassing tan lines because you will fall asleep on the…
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Horoscopes March 27–April 2
March 29, 2023Aries: Precious Aries, you deserve a companion who knows how to soothe your rage, which we have determined will be directed toward leather bus seats today. We think the kind Blissey will make you smile just by looking at her.…
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Horoscopes February 20–27
February 21, 2023Aries: Hu Tao. Maybe your friends worry that you are burning both ends of the candle, but you always make it through (looking a little haunted) in the end! She is the perfect, fiery, high-energy date for you — even…
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Horoscopes February 13–19
February 14, 2023Aries You’re known for firin’ things up, my dear Aries. I know, therefore, your adolescent heart could only belong to the equally fiery Koga from InuYasha. You’re loyal, like the Wolf-Demon warrior, and rooted for him to be with Kagome…
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Horoscopes January 30 – February 5
January 30, 2023Aries In this mysterious world full of unexpected coincidences, you are someday destined to end up in the same tutorial class as Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Aww, Aries and Ariel are going to be right next to each other…
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Horoscopes January 23–29
January 23, 2023Aries According to the ethereal Star girlbosses, we are supposed to be soulmates. In that case, you’re gonna Have to change the spelling of your sign name. Why do we call you AIR-reez, when you can’t even spell “air” correctly?…
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Horoscopes: January 9–13
January 19, 2023Aries This is your year to be AGGRESSIVE, Aries. Start using periods in those texts and assert your opinions without cushioning it with uncomfortable laughter because you are unsure. You are always right! The Stars see you, and are behind…
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]