By: Herculia Poirrette, investigative journalist-in-training

I’ve learned from psychology that having a positive attitude can make for greater mental well-being. The past two weeks, I have driven to campus blasting “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled, strong black coffee in hand, and investigative attire in my trunk to look the part. I always park in the same spot in the central parkade, then head to The Peak office to work.

Every evening since the term began, I have been taunted by a fake parking ticket on my windshield tucked under the wipers, informing me that I’m not able to park in my usual central parking spot. Countless letters from the so-called “SFU parking services” have informed me that “not paying what is owed by the end of the month may result in expulsion.” Scare tactics. 

I asked my PSYC 300 classmates if they had received any tickets, and they asked me if I had registered for my permit. Of course I have! Recently, I went to Whistler for a weekend getaway and took a rental car. I had to register my licence plate number online to be able to park in the parking garage, so I obviously have experience with registering.   

While others focus on things like fingerprints, my method focuses on naturalistic observation. I pulled out my alter-ego for this work, Herculia Poirrette. I Poirot-tised my “little grey cells.” Without further adieu, I present my empirical (of course) research, offering three hypotheses about who is giving me fake parking tickets. 

Hypothesis one: the campus security parker

After watching Joe — who parks in the same lot as me every morning — the past two weeks, I’m not ticking his name off my suspect list . . . yet. Others might not consider Joe a suspect because he’s from campus security and supposedly cares about following the law. But sometimes it’s the people you don’t expect. Perhaps the culprit isn’t far from home . . . my gosh, what a talkative man. Why else would someone say “good morning” and wish me a good day unless they were hiding something. I’ve seen him in his car with his laptop. I bet you he has hacked into the parking permit website and removed my licence plate number! Also, the back door of The Peak office opens up into the parking lot, and the other day I saw him walking up and down the parking lot. I bet you that’s when he placed a fake ticket on my windshield! He’s clearly bored and doesn’t have anything better to do. His best friend is likely the raccoon that lives in the lot. 

Hypothesis two: the envious student

A classmate in one of my lectures is constantly trying to outdo me. I got 0.5% higher than her on our last exam, and she’s been trying to convince the professor that she was unfairly graded ever since. Sometimes I see her walking the same direction as me to my class!!! Stalker alert. I bet you she also followed me to my car once and has been putting fake tickets on my dash everyday since. Honestly, I feel bad for her. Perhaps if she spent more time studying and less time on elaborate pranks, she’d be able to catch up to me. Who am I kidding? She’ll never be at my level. 

Hypothesis three: the rental car company

After I returned from my Whistler roadtrip, I received a hefty fine from the rental car company I used. They said they received a fine because I had registered the wrong license plate at the hotel meter. Do they think I’m so naïve that I would pay made-up fines?? Come on, I’ve only registered the wrong license plate once — that’s it!